Paradox of choice

Who would be so lucky to have so much choice and opportunities? Whos a lucky soul? I guess it depends how you look at it, as well as whether you have a choice or feel like you don’t have choices because of the person who you are, as well as the commitments that you might have.

My heads continuously buzzing. It wants to do one thing but then when it comes to it, the feelings take over and the mind shuts down. I seem to be saying every night now that I don’t want to do this anymore, that I don’t want to wake up tomorrow and that I want it to all end, but then I think about the things I hear about people who actually do the suicide and the one thing that stands out, the words/saying I keep hearing ‘They didn’t want to die, they just wanted to escape their mind’. That touches home for me, because my mind feels like a constant battle everyday. Like I’m battling a war, which literally has no meaning, because what I worry about, I don’t end up doing. what I fight myself into wishing for or planning for, I don’t end up doing and I think that’s why every night I go to bed wishing to not wake up again. Because I’m tired of exhausting myself everyday mentally, and not getting anywhere. I’m tired of pretending that yeah everythings okay when inside all I want to do is crumble, but knowing full well that you cant, because you can never stop and chill, the world goes to the next day with or without you and its better to drag along that get left behind, but then I get awfully sad when I know without changing myself, without pushing myself, I’m never going to mount up to anything.

So then I think of escape, going to different places, thinking of different scenarios, but they don’t get rid of the deep feeling that sits in the pit of your soul everyday, it always comes back.

I think I have a deep struggle with the concept of life.

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Do you want to know what happened today? of course you dont but youre going to hear it anyway. I picked up a book, the connection was instant. Its made me feel so much in such a short space of time, how is that even possible, how can words have so much unlinking meaning that you feel this peace of connection, a meaning of sorts, so much emotions for fictional characters that it actually makes me want to break down and physically cry. The silent cry at first, with the shake of the body, then within a flip of switch my muffles of held back tears launch into on slaughter of so many unshed tears. My heart literally feels twisted. My brain feels so conflicted and scared and fed up with being this way. Why the freak am I like this?

I’m twenty threes years old who gets in emotional states that I end up making myself ill. My hands burn with tight stressed skin, my head burns with the same condition, my stomach continues to do dip and dive everyday.

I’m freaking tired of choking on my own sadness. I’m tired of being weird, of feeling uncomfortable or unsure of myself, I’m tired of doubting myself and my abilities. I just want to shut down and restart again, but you cant. You can never do that. You can never forget what you feel, even when its manifested from your own brain, you cant forget anything you experience, you cant forget and restart anything at all. Its a joke when people say that you can, because you bloody well cant. Dealing with who you are, accepting yourself for who you are, for what you choose to do, makes you, you and thats who you end up living with for the rest of your life. I mean I’m not a terrible person, I haven’t done anything untold, but blooming hell, I’m not who I use to be but then who the hell was I. I’m lost, ive lost being content with who I was, I just never feel satisfied with who I am anymore and its killing me. I’m tired of having petty arguments with myself. I’m tired of doing things and continuing to do them when I know I shouldn’t but I still do. I’m tired of self hating myself everyday and every minute, yet I still do it and its only growing stronger with each day. I’m tired of finding pathetic excuses for everything that I want to do. I am my own person at the end of the day, but I spend so much freaking time worrying and analysing how the hell my existence affects people and the decisions/ choices I want will affect them. Why do I do that? It gets me nowhere, all it does it exhausted me mentally, but I still cant sleep.

I just want it all to stop, I’m tired of this game. This life.

You tell me why I should get up in the morning? You tell me why I should adapt and change? Because it will do you good, who says that, when literally every person in the world moans and complains about everything in the world. And what is this world exactly? the one ive created seems god damn sad and bitchy with burning skin and deep aching loneliness that is just seems better to bash your own brains against a wall than talk to some other soul. No ones interested. why would anther be interested in sad eye girl, who always has a fallen sunken face, that not even her own dog wants to spend company with. I’m tired of fighting,, and I don’t even know what I’m fighting for.

I want to help people I do, I want to be able to make there dreams and wishes come true, give them experiences and chances to see some of the world, but in another breath I don’t want to be around this. I cant even help myself without whining like a lost puppy or crying like a school kid with no boundaries.

why do things have to be so weird in my world, in this day and age.

I’m tired of trying to workout other peoples motivates, but then its sad to even assume that other people have motivates, but lets face it. people don’t even no general respect or boundaries or pure honesty. Nothing is face value anymore. there is always more to what is asked or what is said or what is seen. theres is so much underlining that I’m tired of trying to work it out.

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Fall Down

lets just fall down, tremble to the floor with the realisation of what could have been. I do hate the what ifs, but you are a shining example of a possibility that I could have. Just let go and live, dream and wish like everyday has a meaning and purpose. Fight for what you believe in and mostly fight for what you want and who you want in your life, because that’s what you did. I don’t know the ins and outs of your life and I doubt I ever will. But that saying goes for everyone in the world because no one knows everything about someone, or what happens behind close doors. sometimes its easy to put on a front and make a show, showing the world youre having a great time, when in side or behind the curtains they could be falling apart, but you just don’t know. The show might actually be true and I believe it to be true with everything I see about you. You fight, you motivate yourself everyday to get to what you want. Everydays a challenge and I’m proud that you achieve and are thankful for what you have. Youre the possibility, the happy spirit and that’s what I miss.

but selfishly is makes me sad, I don’t know whether its because I feel it could have been a possibility for me, or maybe it just makes me sad because I know I could be happy if I chose too but I never choose too. instead I constantly moan about my life or feel like a deflated balloon loosing hope and falling to the floor in defeat everyday. I don’t like the fact that we don’t talk, I know I’m not much of a conversationalist and I know communication takes work, with I’m rubbish at doing or sticking at. I just hate the feeling that our lifes are so separate and that we never take the time to stay in touch with one another. I miss a connection I guess I just miss you

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let go / fighting

hey there honey, who do you think you are, talking to me like that.

I’m boiling under the skin, not just the temperature meaning, the anger meaning, the inner frustration boils underneath. I have so much edge angerish emotions continuously under the skin and they never get unleashed. my mind battles with inner imaginations of how to let go in different ways or how I would like to let it all out. sometimes it would be me bashing my head against a wall, backwards and forwards, continuously smashing with a bang bang bang. a constant replay. or times where I fall to my knees, like a person who falls with lost hope or silent defeat, with the head up, looking towards the sky in the one last attempt of hope, in the imaginations that somethings going to fly up above and make everything okay, when we already know within that nothing tends to fly above when we feel we need it the most. Or I want to scream, unleashing the held back wounded scream, the cry of trying to break free but not getting anywhere, wanting to be voiced but you have no words apart from a silent scream that makes the blood within drop to a defining degree. But its the constant switch, the flip of so many emotions that whirl in your mind that are trying to break free but they just cant get out, all smashing around in a locked cage. why cant I/you let go.

my blood boils, shimmers, I want a fight with someone, I want to let it all out, and feel better for it at the end, not have an argument or a crying jag and still feel the same.

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9th got me

you say you don’t care, I don’t care either, but you must care if you constantly contact or reach or still do something with your day. I think if you didn’t care anymore at all you wouldn’t bother doing the things that you still do. You cant expect other people to fix or to motivate you and make you feel better. Those all come within yourself, yes its nice to have the support and realise you arent alone, but I don’t know about you but I do know with me, even when I’m still doing something, like someone coming to the gym with me to motivate me, I still feel like rubbish.

Yeah I feel better than I would have done if I hadn’t gone at all but I still have the sayings running around in my mind ‘I don’t want to this’ ‘I feel crap’ and its tiring hearing all that, all the time.

Its like I’m always constantly looking for something to do, or planning the next step and I’m tired of planning everything all the time. I see the point in planning, its good, but then at the same time I’m like why don’t we just wait and see what happens. I understand the benefits of planning, but you cant plan how someones going to react, you cant plan how to answer a conversation when you don’t know whats going to be said in the first place.

As I’m continuously tired, do you want to know what else I’m tired with…. The big drama effect… Life,

which is the most selfish and ungrateful thing to ever say but its how I feel. I’m tired of getting up in the morning and doing the things that I do, so yes the logical answer would be, change it.

and wouldn’t it be so simple of life if things did change as easily as words, but nothing does, because nothing is suppose to be easy.

I get that change comes in small steps, I get that change is a mountain to climb, but where exactly do you start.

Id like to change career, because I do feel that is the major effect in my life, but then its like you apply for jobs but you don’t get anywhere because you don’t have the experience required, or you endless apply for positions you don’t even know what you are applying for just because you are that desperate for a change, and then you get given an interview but then you realise that realistically you aren’t going to travel that distance everyday and that it wont work out, so you end up back feeling like a tit and wasted someone elses time.

Then you get angry with yourself for even trying in the first place.

I just want to be generally motivated, not forced, not huffing and puffing like I’m going to blow someones house down all the time. Or on the edge of tears because I feel upset about something that I see that ill never be able to change.

so then I go to other areas of my life and things oooh what else can I do to improve it or to make me feel something. But then the little person inside of me, the little human who wants to cry all the time is quietly yelling, whens it all going to stop, why do you put so much pressure on yourself, do you even want to do any of this, and then the hum of I don’t care drifts up and through my aura, and all I want to do is quit.

but stopping and doing nothing, changes nothing.

Doing things gives you the chance for change and experiences, but its just so exhausting all the time.

Another things that my mind shouts at me for wanting me to do, is go to Canada, I don’t know why Canada, maybe its because I know australia is a god damn long flight and that Its the complete opposite. Maybe its because none of my family have ever been and its a chance for me to go. Yet I know nothing about Canada, but then again ive never know anything about the places ive ever been too, ive just flew to them, waved on their island and then bamn come home, end of story.

So Canada is a places id like to go, yet ill only go to do a tour, because I don’t want to do the mind of travelling, I just want to be shown some of the sights, and the tours that are available only tend to be available when I cant go because of work, which I’m finding frustrating. so then I look at other tours and other places to go, but I’m just going to those places for the sake of getting time off, so now its just ridiculous.

Then I think, what do I want….

sometimes I just want the time to stop but it never will

I’m also tired of watching life

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Thought on the 5th

Times my issue,

breathing is my difficulty,

remaining calm and intake without the conflicting emotions of dreaded confliction is my down fall.

remaining loyal and honest are two things that I conflict between. I want to be loyal to those I hold dear, to the ones I love but they never seem to be around in my quiet times, the times when my soul cries for some fun or some down to earth genuine support. I demand too much from others, I demand a living soul from myself yet my words cry but my actions all ways stand still. sometimes I cry just a little too much. Thousands of minds shatter, and tear from the inside, and they do try and they have scars that they live with for the rest of there lives but they never let those actions define them, they use there break, there fall for a better way of life. they’ve reached, they’ve been to the bottom and they use and remember that imagine to help better there lives. they know what it feels to be that low and they refuse within themselves to be that low again, so every day is a battle to keep swimming above those drowning, anchoring waves. They swim with strength everyday, its those people that are pure wow in my eyes. the demons of the own mind are a defeating struggle. it amazes me everyday how people get up, all by themselves and just keep going, changing there worlds, there lives immensely everyday and they do strive.

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I’m in a tizzle and I don’t know what to do, yet I know what I should do, yet I never do what I know I should do because I’m either afraid or scared, or just plain tired. yet its all so god damn annoying. I’m tired of being this undeceive freaking person. I complain about what I have, yet in some eyes its perfectly acceptable and people would love to have what I so easily have, yet I’m deeply saddened with what I have. How do people do it. I honestly dont understand how people process life like this. and then when you talk about or try to reach for some understanding most come back with, that’s the way life is. who says that, apparently millions do and doesn’t anyone and I mean anyone find anything wrong with that. If that’s the case, we might as well as do the world and lovely planet a justice and shoot ourselves. That’s the way of life, no and no it shouldn’t be. Why do thousand of thousand live like robots. how can you do it to yourself. I literally feel dead within, and I honestly think that’s why I’m not changing because the black soul of life has literally taken over and I no longer see any light at the end of my tunnel. which makes me want to cry so bad, because I feel no hope for literally nothing and I don’t want to do life anymore because of it. yet you can never escape how you feel.

Do you know what id love to do:?

Take a break, take a break from all this mind whiling of ideas, or stories, of scenarios, of dreaming.

Take a break and just breath in some scenery, to have no time limit, to have no thoughts of someone’s waiting for me or that they’ll be worried about me, which they aren’t.

I want to escape, I hate that this darkness makes me feel like an insecure little girl

I hate that time continuously escapes, even though its noticed every day with its every minute.

How could you possible let life drift this way?

I want to be a calm person, a person that thinks yet doesn’t let those thoughts allow myself to doubt my abilities of the chances of chance that represent themselves fully in my face.

I want to be a loyal person and that is probably why I’m in the state and situation that I am in because I’m putting my loyalty in the wrong places.

I want to scream at my indecisive mind, that’s making me fall to my knees and beg to be taken out of this world. Those choices are luck and the luck should represent positive meaning but I never see anything positive.

Ah god I want to scream, I’m making so many wrong decisions, I’m making terrible life choices and I want it all gone, I want it all to stop. I want the book to end, I want none of it no more.

I’m tired of this brain

I literally see no way out

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