Choice, choose, thought

Everydays, a choice, but many believe that they don’t have one or even think about every little thing is actually a choice of their own. So many believe, getting in the life of a repeat isn’t a choice, it isn’t a choice, its a recommendation, something that you have to do. That you have to do all the things that you do, just to survive, well you don’t. But it doesn’t matter if I shout it from the roof tops, or scream it directly in your ear, you still do so many things that you so deeply don’t want to do. Theres nothing wrong with what you do, but why do you get so emotional? Why are you so reluctant to live a life that’s easy, that could be amazing if you just settled with your options. But why should I settle with what I have, when I have the ability, the chance, the choice to try and find something else. Why should anyone settle with what they have, if they aren’t truly happy with them selves. I believe, mainly think, if you aren’t happy with yourself, that has something to do with what you do within your life. the thing that you choose to do, but think its not a choice, but it is a choice. Everything has a domino affect. So if I don’t go to work, I don’t get paid. If I don’t smile, I don’t feel happy within. I think negative thoughts, then I feel shittty. If I decide to go and explore, then I see some of the world, I get an insight of different things. Everything has a domino affect.

I’m tired of being me, I’m deeply tired of feeling this burning internal, shitty inner log all the time. I don’t do anything for anyone. I don’t mean anything to anyone. I’m just invisible, but only come to life when someone want to spew all their life problems on me, or when someone doesn’t give a sugar about you at all, they take their bad temper out on me. why should I be the brunt of all this negativity. I always think before I speak, but why cant other people show the same curtsy.

This is why I prefer solitude, because the only person I have to deal with is me. Some days that even more difficult that normal, and its enough.

Maybe it is all my fault, the fact that I cant seem to open my eyes wide enough, and actually see the positivity that shimmers in others, or maybe I just choose to turn a blind eye to it all. Maybe I’m that sick in my own head, that ive become so use to being a dark soul that I crave seeing the darkness shine in others. Like a person addicted to some terrible drug.

I personally think I’m a dramtic ass

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Titan

Titan, Titan, what do I say about you…

Your location is a wonder, a single journey like an over expanded rollercoaster. The adventures of a drive, makes the location a little more forbidable. So much to take in, in such a short drive, every where you look there’s a new amazing view right before your eyes. Wales you hold the beginings of something, your beauty is unjustified. It’s how it should be, not overloaded, yet secluded.

Titan ive been thinking about your brother, Velocity, for nearly a year now. Extensive research, watching videos had got me more intrigued with the possibilities, my mind raging with overloaded imagination and such fun, I had to think about it. But I settled for you, deeply glad that I did. You might have not met upto my imagination/expectations but you were still an amazing experience, and im glad i took the chance and bite the bullet and go for you. Your three stages gave me some various views, everytime was a drop to the gut, but not a thrill, just a slight joy.

Thank god for the scenery.

 

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Calling, Calling,

Currently dialling your number yet i have no idea what i want to say, i can’t even imagine a conversation, i just want to hear you breath…? Do i though, or is that a dramatic air of mine. I think about calling someone, yet i never know who that should be. Its not like im lonely, im seriously not, im quite happy and very content with my own company, much preferred to others, but i don’t know if thats because i don’t know how to converse with others, or maybe thats why i think about dialling a number and waiting for conversation to formulate, only because i imagine thats what i should be doing. Oh for the heaven of the mighty conflicted i don’t know what i seek, yet i think about dialling a number, yet whos number would it be? How would the conversation go?

Mighty oh mighty, Im quite happily being me, yet thinking of what should surely be more to this world of silence that i condemn myself to. I wonder what the others live like, i wonder if the feels as conflicted as i always do. The debates that rattle within their minds, making them feel silly and nonsignficant.

Close minded, thats your mighty issue, you don’t seek, you dream, as you never do what you seek, yet your tired of this petty facade. You waking up in the night, literally make my body burn with anger, so tempting to do such bad things, yet they never make you feel great. Why do you do this to me, always let your emotions over ride me? Why cant you work on this outer solitude, so you don’t actually have to seclude yourself all the time. I really don’t think youre a people person, literally a breath ushered from someone else makes your skin prickly.

 

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Little lamby

Hey little lamby why you so sad, what has got you crying on the inside that you’re trying so terribly to keep at bay, so that it doesn’t show on the outside.

I know you miss the life that could have been, but they say everything happens for a reason, and the reason that you don’t have the life that you wanted was because you chose to come home, because you got scared. But there’s no point in fretting about the past, you can’t go back in time, you can’t reverse your steps, what is done, is done, unfortunately. Yet without coming back you wouldn’t have gone on five different trips, to places that you haven’t been to. You wouldn’t have tried in relationships that you have had. You wouldn’t be the person that you are now. Yet I guess that’s why you are sad, because you don’t like who you are now, that you don’t want to be the person that you are.

Someone asked us the other day, ‘why don’t you like who you are?’ It’s a good question to ask. Another one to add to the boat ‘why do continuously beat yourself up?’ Your answer ‘Someone has too’ I don’t think that justifies it.

I guess when you spend so much time on your own, you get a little too much solitude. You start to manifest the things you supposedly miss into something that most likely wasn’t even a possibility. You imagine scenarios that would never have happened, even in reality. Because you do know who you are, you do know your own personality, even if you wish to be different and you continuously try to be someone else.

I know you are screaming on the inside ‘I don’t want to do this anymore’ but you can’t simply just disappear, you can’t turn into nothing and hello you’ve gone. You will always continue whatever you choose or not choose to do. You can’t run away from who you are, you can’t change who you are suppose to be. You can only accept your choices, you can only accept who you are. It’s learning to embrace who you are, embracing your quirks, your choices, and making those experiences your own. You’ve just got to set a plan.

Theres nothing wrong with being on your own, it shows that you are an independent individual, who doesn’t need someone to rely on just do be able to do things. You only feel that being on your own all the time is a bad thing, because of the things you read, the people that make comment on it and so much more, it’s when you listen and take in what others say about you, that should be a worry. Its not their lifes what you do, it’s not them who feel the emotions that you, Your life is your own, and it will always be a solitude one. You just have to embrace the living on your own and surviving on your own. Yes you’ve got support but you haven’t got the availability of mingling your life with someone elses, you haven’t got the ability to lean on someone and know that they be there through out every step and actually do things with you. You’ve just got false promises. Being on your own, you’ve only got yourself to blame when you want to do something, or go somewhere, because i guess that’s why you continuously beat yourself up. Your fear, your insecurities make you step back from what you originally planned, so therefore you beat yourself up because it’s stopped you from doing whatever it was that you wished to have done.

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The annoying break pretender

I lay here burning up a fever, insides tearing into two, the feeling of a tasteless punched up soul sitting heavy at the bottom of my tongue. Mind swirls with undue thoughts once again, to make it worse it’s at an unreasonable time, banging on hells door, making no sense what so ever, manifest with the skulls throb of a ranging headache, stomach doing unreasonable things for ungodly reasons. 

Why do we think sad thoughts when there is no reasons too. Why do we always put the negative spin on a reasonable life that could be quiet comfortable living with? Why do we humans have to make things far more complicated, with opinions that make no sense or have no under lining meaning? Why do we voice unnecessary things, when there’s no need to? Why do we cage ourselves in a predicament, a place that we don’t really want to be in but we end up staying in that place a lot longer than we ever intended. Why do you have such a problem with time? Why do you worry about unnecessary things, always worried that what comes out of your mouth will make you feel embarrassed or ashamed.? Why should it matter what others think of you, when you’ve lived such a solitude life, with your own doing? Why does it bother you now, to an extent that you no longer sleep properly and that you eat to comfort the soul that so heavy with an inner conflict that doesn’t even make sense to your own self being. Why do we do this? When we are so fed up and tired of having these annoying self pity internal inner log all the time? Why do you always go out of your way to make me feel like a miserable loser, as if i have nothing to be grateful for? Why does the soul have to continuously feel so heavy, have to be an annoying narrator, telling/whispering things in my ear, making me feel that the words that go in my mind are true. Like; that I’m rude because I don’t talk to anyone or that I don’t know how to converse or feel that when I am talking to someone I don’t actual want to be there in the moment in the time, because my focus is so poor. Why do my eyes feel so weighty when they don’t even lift weights? Why do I feel so young with all this unnecessary conflict? Why do we continue to do this when I know so clearly that you no longer what to do this? Why make things so difficult for yourself, why make your soul feel so heavy, make your eyes hurt with held back tears, when you so clearly don’t want to this anymore? What are you hoping for, in a situation that’s never going to change, but only you will as you hold the compass to your starting key. Why do this to yourself? Why hold yourself back all the time? Continuously never changing because you are afraid of letting people in, afraid of getting hurt, afraid of letting go and being okay, afraid of getting lost and exploring. All this undue fear pisses me off. You’ll always be on your own yet that’s what holds you back, yet it’s silly and I’m tired of talking about it and trying to explain it to you. I tell you everyday don’t do a repeat, but you just end up doing it in a round about way. 

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How was leeds festival?

Musical-a-luscious, is that even a word because it might need adding to the dictionary. Just take a minute, stop those thrumming thoughts, make your mind completely empty, and now think this one thought. Isnt it amazing how many talented people there are out in this world, and this is just an insight into the thousands that show/ share their creativity with thousand every day of our lifes. These people, they worked hard to get where they are, all with a little believe within themselves. Its just amazing, so many hided talents, so many yet to be discovered. But those that can show a side of themselves and be immensely happy and proud, is just a massive wow. There words might just seem like lyrics, but every note that comes out of them has a hidden meaning, connect thousands upon thousands together. That my friend is power, yet brilliance.

Atmosphere alone… unbelievable, everyones there to have a good time, to get lost in the moment, to feel the thrum of guitar strings, drums thrum through their veins. To feel alive with music, to connect with meaning in the songs, to get the hidden meanings and still be okay.

I got to see two main bands that ive wanted to see in such a while, a dream come alive. Its amazingly great when the artists get lost in the moment with you, when they get so intune within themselves. Its great to see, even though they are performing for thousands of people, they are having a good time and loving it all the same. The way they entertain you, making sure that everyone, whos come to seem them is having an amazing time, now that takes a lot of skill. It must be an amazing/mind blowing feeling, singing your own lyrics, and having thousands sing back with you. Must be such an amazing thing.

Creativity is everywhere, music helps us, keeps us intune,

Musical-a-luscious.

 

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‘live in the moment, never let go, once in a life time,

How do you live in the moment when your mind is swirling at 100 miles per hour? How do you converse with others, when falseness stings the air? How do you breathe when you feel that there is no hope within. You are surrounded by millions, you go through the motions of completing stages through your life, but how do you actually feel about the events? How do you feel within? Why don’t you feel the emotions that so many people express, why it is always cut short? The experiences that you take, the decisions that you makes, they are always changed or made to feel like nothing, all because of the feeling that float within you. Happiness is a goal, but not a long term goal, its not a feeling that you can continuously contain. How can you make a moment happy? How can you make sure that what you feel is shown correctly through to others? But then why should it matter how you affect others?? I guess thats because you might care

If only the world was free. Im not just talking about money, all though most things that a person wishes to do, comes to the cost of money, but also whatever you decide, even think a thought, it all comes at a price. The ultimate question is; who pays the most? I guess that you, the individual, but without realising whatever you decide to do, there will always be a domino effect, your life affects others, even if you dont realise it. Even if you think you have no one else in your life, or that you don’t really have a deep conversation with anyone, your being, your breathe still affects others. So why do thousands not realise? Why do you mess people about?

I feel like utter death, the strange way of describing my true feeling in this current time would be; like a blocked airway, breath/oxygen trying to escape, yet it cant. The trapped airway thats trying to reach the openness is going crazy with true demand. It wants out, but it cant escape, something is keeping it tethered, keeping is locked between the openness to the gateway of out, yet you cant see whats keeping you back. Its almost like a feeling of a sick game, keeping yourself locked in an open prison, you are your own key to whatever you want to be, yet you lock every journey, every stage, for what i might ask.

Arent you tired of all of this? Aren’t you fed up with falseness, the sad little quotes that float through you mind? If only i could scream the craziness thats locked so deep inside. Why cant you let it out, why cant you let go and live in the moment like no ones here? Why are you always on shut down. You trap yourself daily, you go through a crazy routine, but i don’t see it getting you anywhere, you don’t seem to be achieving a feeling of positivity, they only seem to come in beeps, like a heart monitor that rarely works. You make no sense girl, you don’t want to be alone, yet you crave the solitude. Wheres all this mumble jumble going? What do you get from it all? Not a lot, apart from pre heated anger that course through your veins, making the brain think of ungood intentions that could seriously get you into big trouble.

Why you continuously tired for? Is that because you don’t really feel, or that you battle an invisibility with yourself every second of beating minute, that actually has no true intention for your one life.

You don’t seem to be helping yourself anymore, you don’t seem be even trying. You are giving up before the goodness of the game has even started, but if thats the game youd like to play, could you please stop moaning about it. Dont you think its time to grow the freak up and just get on with it

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