If only you could write such an Ad

To the human who happens to be reading this where are you? why aren’t you inserting yourself in my life, giving me your human aura in my presence. I need you in my life, I need you to give me a boost, a little hug every now and then, telling me that everythings going to be okay, pointing me in the right direction, telling me whats around the corner and that it all works out okay, yes with a little bumps but never the less its going to be alright. where are you, when we could go sightseeing and exploring the wanders of the hidden world, where are you when all I want to do is lean on your shoulder, taking in your sense and feeling comfortable and comforted just by being by your side. where are you, you’re missing out on telling me that I’m doing certain things wrong, where is your guidance and an amazing advice. where is your soul when mines feeling a little lost. Where are your letters of encouragement. Where are you, when I no longer want to feel so alone, battling in an imaginable war, a war that feels like I’m never winning, yet survived and achieved so much. where are you, when all I need is a calming balm to my hetic dramatic madness. Life for me doesn’t make sense, ive done so much yet feel nothing for it, apart from it not being enough. I’m so tired of being this, this demanding person, this unhappy individual who feels like she doesn’t do or get anything, yet I do so much. I can register that much, but that’s not good enough. I’m such an ungrateful person its completely shameful. The fact that I don’t want to do the things that I’m so easily given, or take the opportunities that not everyone gets, is a terrible thing. I should feel lucky, I should feel amazed with all these chances presented before me, but all my inner souls does, is shake her head with defeat. an image floats through my aching head, a girl curled into herself, just sitting there and rocking back and forth because she doesn’t want this. She doesn’t want the chances, she just wants to be left alone, yet I laugh when I say that, because what I have just written doesn’t confirm that saying. I scream, I beg to be left alone, yet that’s what I am, I am alone. I walk this earth on my own because I don’t let anyone in, I just joke or say sullen things because I use it as a force, a shield force, just so that I don’t have to deal with people. I don’t like being involved in other peoples lives, because I’m jealous that when I do, when I listen to others, no one has the same understanding or compassion to hear me out. when I do speak I still feel like I’m being unheard, which in turn makes me want to weep, weep like I just lost someone dear to my soul, like a chisel breaking ice. I feel like I crack, or die just a little more in the soul when I don’t get the reaction that I want, because of who I am. Because I expect so much, that’s why I never let anyone in. I imagine how it should go, how the conversations should be, I Imagine how things should be, but they never are, because I don’t have an open mind. I expect things to be this way and that, I expect them to play out just like they do in my head, and when they aren’t I’m always saddened by the realisation that everything that happens in my head, all the dreams, all the thoughts, all the things will never happen. I get that what you wish for should take a lot of hard work, a lot of effort. I want change, I want to be someone other than this pathetic person, yet I don’t have the energy, the balls, to do it. I’m tired of living, yet that is such a devil thing to say. I don’t want to always feel like an insecure unconfident sixteen year old for the rest of my life. I want to be able to feel like everythings going to be okay, that I’m going to places, that I’m making the right decision, that yes its okay to breath. I hate this feeling of uncertainty. My eyes burn with exhaustion, my muscles ache with tiredness, yet they are all excuses.

What am I doing on this earth when all I do is continue to make problems, to make sorry excuses, to feel nothing but sadness because I don’t allow myself to feel any other emotion. what do I seriously bring to other people lifes?

I want out of this mind, out of this brain, out of these thoughts and just be okay with what I do, instead of always feeling like I should be doing something else. I’m tired of continuously restricting myself, basically punishing myself, but for what? If I’m just continuously punishing myself for my own existence, shouldn’t I just do something about it. Am I even doing anything, because I really don’t feel like I’m getting anywhere, and I’m now twentythree whining like a child.

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Keep going

Hey you, the girl who goes on about not knowing what she it doing or what to do, let alone what she will become. You could take everyday for what it is, its probably best that you do. Future planning scares the living daylights out of you. What are you going to do, who are you going to become? Who knows, who cares. Its about you.

You are tired, your bones ache, and your soul caves with sadness. I know you want to give in and just curl up into a ball in the comforts of your bed, but you cant. why cant you? Because it doesn’t do anything, it doesn’t stop the clock, it doesn’t stop the beating of you heart or your spinning mind. You have to keep going, even when I know you so desperately want to cry, to cry like a mental depraved soul. But its funny really because you have no reason to feel like you are cracking in two. You’ve had no bad news, you’ve had no sad losses. you just don’t feel like it. Your pure conflicted inner unmotivated soul makes you this way. Listening to it all the time, which you do, just makes the day a difficulty when in fact there isn’t anything wrong with it all.

You continuously feel sorry for yourself. you continuously feel as if you are alone, as if you have no other soul to lean on, but you have the choices, its just your choice to not accept them or to contact an individual. I know why you distance yourself from others, I know why you delude yourself in thinking that you don’t like people. Its a simple things really, you just don’t have the patience, the tolerance for others. You don’t want to hear people complaining about their lifes because you know moaning doesn’t get you anywhere. you don’t want to hear them talking about other people, because that’s all we humans seem to do, that’s because you feel its a negative energy force. but that’s only because you have a negative mind. If you just had the patience for others, and confided in them you might find that actually you can trust someone else, and then you wont feel so alone as if you cant talk to anyone, but I get it. Past experiences show that you couldn’t and shouldn’t have trusted those people, but I guess everythings a learning curve. You’ve either got to get over it and just do what you want to do and not think of a single soul, but remembering that people help you to get what you want without realising, or you start to join in and become apart of something.

theres always a choice, sometimes its nice and lucky to have that ability, a choice. But I know sometimes youd like there to not be a choice, but you should be grateful for the choices that you have that lead you to what you’ve done.

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How I feel 

Isn’t it a sad realisation, when you sit still for one moment in your own collective thoughts and realise that the world ticks by whether you choose to take part or to let it fly by. Without a choice things still go on and still go bye, might even end up leaving you behind. Spend so much time trying to find a solution to finding a way to live, to just breathe, without feeling like you’re constantly left behind. Never completely in touch with anyone, never really connected. 

Feeling sick to my stomach with indecision, but knowing in my heart that maybe it is time to leave. I don’t want to leave, just for the pure fact that I don’t want to be forgotten, but I’m not an anybody here, I’m just an invisible float and I’m tired of being invisible. I want something in life, a connection maybe, a sense of belonging. I have that with my four legged friend but I can’t seem to figure of how it could be a possibility to fly and travel with him. 

Solo life

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Today..

Today has been a ridiculously weird day. I don’t know where I stand, but that would be a requirement of me actually doing something, which today I did very little. Apart from the normal five thirty start, for a walk which took two and a half hours to then go to the gym, lifting weights,75kg, upon my legs, I thought I was going to have a good day, get all motivated and do what I set out to do, sort/make a plan for my life, because apparently its a must, and that must if failing terribly. So here I am now, seven hours since I last moved, feeling as if ive been in a comatose state all day, literally staring at walls, I feel as if ive achieved nothing, which in fairness I havent, but I also feel like I just no longer care.

I tried to right myself yesterday, well the past couple of weeks, thinking about the future and all. getting in the process of maybe going back to learn to advance a career change and all that jazz, but basically getting internally frustrated and tired of trying I gave up yesterday. Yeah giving up yet again on something. I decided to give up because the tutor didn’t/ sounds reluctant and I just generally find it frustrating being around people, because all though they listen I feel that whenever I speak I still go unheard and I’m tired, its not like I even voice my voice that much and now all I can think about is roaming. roaming to where? who knows, will I actually do it, most likely not.

I’m tired of feel like I’m getting knocked for trying or for being restricted because I don’t have the qualifications or what they are looking for. I’m frustrated because I have no idea what I’m wanting, what I’m searching for, I just like to try something different, but the problem is me. the problem will always be me. I no longer have the edge, the motivation, I cant even muster the motivation to move a few steps, ive been sitting in the same place for the past seven hours, literally doing nothing, not even thinking, which is a rare thing.

Part of me just wants to be left alone to wilter and disappear, another part of me says keep going, youll find something, but I’m not sure how much more I can take.

I look everyday for something different, from volunteer programmes, to new career, travelling and sight seeing new destinations, but I still never choose to do any of those things, and why is that? why complain about a situation, the situation that I’m in and still not doing anything about and to try and change it. instead of listening to the fears the doubts, why not try. I’m just basically one big joke, living a life on a repeat that I don’t even try and enjoy and that I’m now reluctant to even do it, to even breathe. I’m just constantly angry with myself, I’m not functioning right. I’m literally dying on the inside, I look perfectly normal on the outside, I could pass as achieving the world, but I don’t enjoy it anymore. there’s no yay motivation, lets do this. instead its just ‘get on with it, ‘everything ends eventually’. what sort of motivation, attitude is that?!

if you could kindly bash me over the head that would be delightfully received.

 

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Just saying 

As I lay here in bed once again, I look back over the day and think…. hell to the yes the day was boring as bread crumbs but god all mighty is wasn’t a too bad of a day. Pleased a few people and it actually makes my dark heart melt a little, even if I still think I’m a rude harsh ass to the hole. Today was a good day, a mighty good old day. It makes me think that I could, nearly a hundred percent, leave it all behind. It would indeed be a good day to go, a good day to… I won’t follow that line, I wouldn’t want to make anyone cry. But it definitely feels like a good day to say goodbye, I could happily move on and not have a single problem with it. Happy sleeping, may your body rest from the intense day of goodness 

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S for thought 

Sadness is a wasted emotion, the glutenteny to punishment, the ever lasting emotion that drains the soul and makes us feel like life is hopeless, that all we do it for nothing and after those depressing thoughts, we feel as if we can’t go on, as if we can’t achieve or will never be happy, or satisfied with the choices we make, as sadness make us only see the darkness, none of the light that we have achieved. Sadness is a powerful emotion, an emotion that can rule us and ruin our day. It’s never a fleeting feeling, only if you let it dwell. I no longer want it to consume me. How to do you shake it out of your soul. Someone show me the way, but I guess I’m already redirecting my life in a different way. It’s down to the choices I decide to make. The worry has settled in beside the sadness but that’s only because you are afraid of change, afraid of the unknown. Which is a basic human instinct. Guess I’m all of this, at least i know I’m a human and I can go on if I choose to. 

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Choice, choose, thought

Everydays, a choice, but many believe that they don’t have one or even think about every little thing is actually a choice of their own. So many believe, getting in the life of a repeat isn’t a choice, it isn’t a choice, its a recommendation, something that you have to do. That you have to do all the things that you do, just to survive, well you don’t. But it doesn’t matter if I shout it from the roof tops, or scream it directly in your ear, you still do so many things that you so deeply don’t want to do. Theres nothing wrong with what you do, but why do you get so emotional? Why are you so reluctant to live a life that’s easy, that could be amazing if you just settled with your options. But why should I settle with what I have, when I have the ability, the chance, the choice to try and find something else. Why should anyone settle with what they have, if they aren’t truly happy with them selves. I believe, mainly think, if you aren’t happy with yourself, that has something to do with what you do within your life. the thing that you choose to do, but think its not a choice, but it is a choice. Everything has a domino affect. So if I don’t go to work, I don’t get paid. If I don’t smile, I don’t feel happy within. I think negative thoughts, then I feel shittty. If I decide to go and explore, then I see some of the world, I get an insight of different things. Everything has a domino affect.

I’m tired of being me, I’m deeply tired of feeling this burning internal, shitty inner log all the time. I don’t do anything for anyone. I don’t mean anything to anyone. I’m just invisible, but only come to life when someone want to spew all their life problems on me, or when someone doesn’t give a sugar about you at all, they take their bad temper out on me. why should I be the brunt of all this negativity. I always think before I speak, but why cant other people show the same curtsy.

This is why I prefer solitude, because the only person I have to deal with is me. Some days that even more difficult that normal, and its enough.

Maybe it is all my fault, the fact that I cant seem to open my eyes wide enough, and actually see the positivity that shimmers in others, or maybe I just choose to turn a blind eye to it all. Maybe I’m that sick in my own head, that ive become so use to being a dark soul that I crave seeing the darkness shine in others. Like a person addicted to some terrible drug.

I personally think I’m a dramtic ass

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