Cut the

Lets all just take a minute, take a minute to realise what truly matters to us, to yourself

You know those first few 30 seconds every morning we take, you know the ones we aren’t exactly aware of, the first few seconds of waking up, those unclouded memories, when we haven’t registered who we are, or what happened yesterday or even how we are feeling, we are just empty, unaware in those first few seconds every morning. You have no doubts, nothing bothering you, no worries, no concerns, but those seconds only last mere seconds, then everything comes running back to you like a never ending stream. You remember what happened moments just before you fell asleep to lala land. You remember the arguments you may or may not have had. You remember thoughts and feelings, those thoughts and feeling you were most likely going to sleep just to hide from.

So lets just take a deep breath, fill those lungs with open air and exhale with a big whoosh. Lets realise what truly matter to our own being, to ourself.

Do you really want to keep holding those grudges you’ve been holding since you were a little girl. Do you still want to be holding those doubts and worries that you know full well you can do nothing about, or you don’t know how you’ll react to a situation until it arises. Why live continuously in the past of who your character use to be, or how people judge you to be. If you want to change, if you want to adapt and becoming something else, do it. You should always benefit yourself no one else. Why does life have to be treated like a secret or a lie or live a life in fear because you are afraid of what others will say about you. Are those people with you when you go to sleep? You feel like they have your best interest at hard? How do you know what someone else is truly feeling. Life is continuously judged or mistreated. Why go around living life thinking whats this person going to do me. You wake up alone, you go to sleep alone. You don’t off let to anyone, so why live your life as if you do have someone continuously judging you.

At the end of the day you are you

You shouldnt hide who you are

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Spooning the love into you. Let me curl around you, let me wrap my arms around you, hold you tight, whilst you curl into a ball. A fetal ball, you want to hold yourself, you want to just lay in your bed on your own, trying to hold yourself, but you feel so alone. You don’t have too. Let me curl with you, let me hold you. Let me share this spoon with you. Allow my body to comfort you in ways that words can never do justice. Let my warmth, my soul, comfort yours. Let me share this exhaustion of weight that you carry with you, which you try to rest from. Let me help you, just by holding you, hugging you, spooning you. Just nestle into me, release those tense muscles, let my warmth comfort you. Let me hold you, I want to hold you so badly, let you know that everything’s going to be okay, that I’ll always be here for you. I want to hold you for you, most importantly I just want to be apart of you

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Hi there

Hi there
I’m slightly annoyed a little frustrated and extremely pissed off. Too much high expectation in life can literally destroy your life and make you feel like a defeated leg. Sad that the blocked emotions that you hold so tight within are trembling under your skin wanting a deep release of some sort but you just don’t know how.
I thought a change would be good. let’s be honest I thought the change would automatically change me. It doesn’t. Im always going to be like this. Unsure of myself, but I’m doubting myself and I do not want to be like that anymore. it’s annoying when I get frustrated. Its annoying feeling this way.
I mean like, what is life? Why are people petty or silly? Why am I me? The doubt. Annoying. What am I doing? I just want, I don’t know what I want. I feel like I need to let go, let go of the tension, just breathe but the doubt knocks and I feel like I’m the idiot in the room or the one that never fits.
I get life is what you put in but how do you possibly get more from life when you don’t know what that more is?

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An open palm

Let me take your hand and place into mine

Take my hand and place it into yours, feel the connection through our open palms, feel the heat and energy that’s rolling off one another. Do you feel the connections, the one ship? Do you feel the energy that beats beneath my skin flow through to you? or can you imagine how it would feel, to feel connected and united as one?

Everyday is our own, but how many of us sit alone, thinking of you, thinking of me, how it would be, to be together in the same room.

I decided on a  path, to allow myself to feel a connection, and a connection less with myself, to feel less tense with who I was. but now that I have achieved, now that I’ve got it, I spend more time alone than I thought, I knew this case would present it self to me, its what I was hoping for and I got it. Before I was roaming in my spare time, now I’m lost in my spare time. I just want to spend it with a soul. which I have a four legged soul at my feet, but I still feel like I’m lost, a little unsure of who I am and what I’m suppose to be doing.

Everyday is your own, you become who you want to be, not who the world makes you to be with lost time. That’s why people say you should make the most of your time, go after what you really want, be who you truly want to be, don’t be someone else just to make someone else happy. I just don’t know what to be. The world is a big place, every trip gives an insight to how many people there actually is in this massive world, yet hardly any of us truly connect. Like with the people I already know, they mean a lot to me, but I don’t know about you, but me, I don’t talk or tell them any of my worries, or my lost problems. I’m on my own in that sense, but that’s my own choosing.

I don’t know why I’m writing this, maybe its a simple fact;

If your palm was touching mine, youd feel the beat of my pulse trying to match with yours.

If you took my hand, as I take yours, youd realise I’m trusting you, just by a simple act.

If you gave me the time, I could look into your soul and not feel embarrassed or heated to be staring so intently at you. youd realise I’m doing it, because I’m staring into your soul and realising your true potential. you realise that I’m trying to connect with you above all those words, just by a look, but a look that has so much meaning.

to feel a connection

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Im a emotional eater, and its a complete disaster, okay thats maybe a little dramatic but im emotional and i curb the emotional pains with food. So you can only imagine how big ive blown.

The thing is, even when im eating to try and occupy my mind of my depleteing emotions, it still doesn’t improve my mood, it doesn’t even do a thing for my mind, let a lone my body, not even a tiny fraction of an inch. Im kidding, it adds an itch to my waistline.

I don’t want to be big, Nothing wrong with being big, but i personally don’t want to be. Yet, i eat. I over load my plate every evening, well its actually a bowl because the bowls bigger and keeps everything within. I starve myself most days, all day till the evening, so that i can eat and eat. Even when the bowls empty i still continue to eat more, by making myself a dessert. I mean i wouldn’t say i eat unhealthy food. The things i mainly eat are vegetables and fruit, just lots of it. And yes sometimes biscuits and some chocolate.

Im trying to break the habit, i try, i say every night that i wont do it tomorrow, but tomorrow comes and im right back at it. Doing the same mistake as the day before, all because i feel sad, or because i feel alone, or im bored and its kinda annoying that im relying on food to make me feel better, when it doesn’t even do such a thing. Its all i can think about. The next meal, what am i going to have. Im always guilty with what i have after ive eaten it. Which just makes me feel worse, so thats why i starve myself for so long, then when i cant stop thinking about the food, im like oh bother lets have something. Im not really thinking about what im making, i just want something quick and easy so that it can get in my mouth quicker. Im that delusional, in a state that i don’t care about anything else but food. And its annoying. There has to be more to life than the next meal, yet its all i seem to be living for

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When the times right

when the times right youll pull me a little closer. Making me feel wanted and need, nourished and cared.  when the times difficult youlll push me away. Making me feel insecure, self defeated, good for nothing.

When the times right,

My minds at a stand still, no clatter, no bang, just silence in place of the rush or noise. Nothing seems to be going on, is this what comfort is suppose to feel like, or are we at a stand still. Not going anywhere, yet not progressing.

The day started out good, but then it got to the middle and it didn’t go right, not much seems to going right. second guessing, self doubting will destroy what you could be before its even built.

what do you see in yourself, my guess is not a lot. Self defeat wont get you far, it will make you go into yourself, leaving you to be skitterish in any environment.

The hard work that you’ve done, don’t let it go wasted by taking two steps back and feeling deflated. Youll be okay, because everyones got to be okay. But everyday should be a step, even if its a size two step, everyday should be a progress. Don’t make them wasted, make them count but only for you, only for your own benefit and self love. Love yourself for you, don’t go hating and wishing that you were someone else or at a different stage in your life, every step of the journey makes you you, so love and like every moment. The difficulties are the most rewarding. But you don’t feel like you have any difficulties at the moment, maybe its time to change that. Who do you want to be? Don’t say nobody because you’ve got to be someone. Be you, but what version are you going to be?

What do you want to change about yourself? Where do you want the different to be? Where would you like to go? What self progress would you like to make? If you could make yourself happy how would you do it? You want to make a difference, make a difference within yourself. You want new experiences? Open your mind. You want new opportunities? Start saying yes and go along, taking part in those yeses.

What do you want?

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I’m in a funk, there’s no other way to put it.

You lay in bed debating about life, which seems to be a daily occurrence, you think what could you possibly do, so you go out and do it, but its not enough. Nothing ever seems to be enough, not enough to feel your soul, which seems to be deflating with more and more abilities that you do. Not enough to over power the sad emotion that constantly rides on my shoulder. Not enough to get rid of the dark thought that hangs above my head, like a noose, a very tempting noose. My minds uncontrollably dark, I feel like I’m losing the control I once had, and now I seem to be tethering on an edge, and that edge doesn’t seem to have very stable rocks.

What am I doing?

What is life?

What are you suppose to do with life?

I’m fed up, most accurately bored with life. I’m fed up of complaining, I’m fed up of walking around as if I have this heavy weight upon my shoulders, when in fact I don’t, because I’m no different to anyone. I’m tired of being me. This girl who walks around like a sunken ship, a girl that hardly smiles, because she doesn’t appreciate what she has or who she has.  I’m tired of being this girl who feels like shes always on her own, when shes not, she has all these people around her, people willing to listen to what she has to say, people who would like to spend time with her or maybe. But shes always the one pushing them away, appearing rude, no one likes or appreciates a rude person. Why would you? I’m tired of being this girl who feels like everyone is dishonest, therefore I don’t trust anyone enough to truly speak, or be the person that I could be. I’m tired of letting people down, I don’t like being cancelled on but I’m more than okay with doing it to other people. I don’t know how to converse openly with people without feeling anxious. I hate feeling like a little girl, just because I’m insecure or not confident enough.

Not knowing what to do with my life deeply sucks.

I could literally do or be anything yet I always choose not too.

I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t know where I’m going. The uncertainty frustrates me, because I’m not working towards anything. Well work towards something, But like what exactly?

This is the time to have an open mind, yet its continuously closed, closed to my own running thoughts which have no meaning to life. they are selfish thoughts, they are thoughts that aren’t going to help me get anywhere, where ever that maybe.

I’m tired of being a nasty rude person. I’m tired of being me. I don’t want to wake up anymore

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