I don’t want to be me anymore

I’m tired of waking up day and feeling like misery or that I don’t want to be here. I’m always feeling sad and disappointed with myself because I don’t want to be me or I don’t like what I’m doing. Yet I continuously scream at myelf internally to change, yet I don’t. I just end up messing people about. I’m tired of always feeling conflicted or emotionally confused.

Like why does life have to be ruled by emotions. Its pathetic and sick and tiring.

I don’t want this anymore, I don’t want any of it.

I cant for the life of me understand why people still try with me. Are you that bored that you feel the need to or do you just feel sorry for me.

I moan about being on my own but thats down to my own choices and my own circumstances. I have the ability to change that, but I always make up excuses. Its not nice letting people down all the time, but that’s what I do. I get tired of making the excuses, yet they don’t seem to, they think thats the norm for me, well it shouldn’t. No one should be like that. So I ask what makes you do the excuses all the time. You scream for change, yet you deny change at any given moment. So therefore you shouldn’t complain with what you have, because you are choosing to stay the same.

You don’t like letting people down, you don’t like seeing other people sad and you don’t like being the reason for other people sadness, so what are you going to do?

what are you going to do about your choices and life? Because you cant continue to belittle the way some people choose to be when you cant really talk about their choices when you aren’t exactly making any for yourself, or when you do make choices, you always feel like its the wrong thing.

So what are you going to do?

Are you going to tell the person you cant go tonight because you don’t feel like it, or are you going to tell them you’ve got other commitments or are you going to say something like; you seem like a nice person, I cant understand why you continue to talk to me when I continuously let you down. You deserve someone who wont keep continuing to cancel on you

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Hey beautiful,

I just want to say that I miss you deeply, I miss being with you, hearing about you and most importantly hearing from you. You always had a smile upon your face, an outside that lit others up and made others feel special. Youre a caring soul, I wish you knew that about yourself. I wish you gave yourself credit and appreciation for who you are. You are special lady and I wish you knew how much you touched other people souls. I wish you knew how many times I think about you, and how many times other people think and wonder about you. You’ve touched so many peoples lives, you just don’t realise. So I want you to know that you are thought about, you are cared about. I know sometimes words aren’t enough and they can sometimes be meaningless when we get tired of hearing the same things and not having any action to the words. Sometimes we need the action to feel the worth. I wish I could give you the action that you seek. All I have for now is words that I hope mean some worth to you.

I’m so thankful for coming into your life, and for you entering mine. Your wise words and thoughts, advice and appreciation touched me many times and have helped me through various issues. You’ve helped me through times I thought impossible, you’ve helped me see things that I would never would have considered. You helped shaped me to be the person that I am today.

I love hearing you speak and talk, I like hearing what you have to say.

Sometimes we loose our way, and I hope that’s not the case for you.

I miss and love your spirit. I wish I could be there for you.

Today might not be a special day, but today I’m thinking about you and id like you to know that I love you.

Its okay to cry every now and then, even when we look like a crazy lady but to be honest its the best look possible.

Don’t forget to look after yourself, you spend too much time looking after others. I don’t know how you do it, putting other first all the time. Maybe its time, even if its only for an hour, to take a step back and recenter yourself. Look after you. Because every beautiful soul needs to reconnect with itself every now and then. Take this moment for yourself

You are loved and will always be loved.

I hope you have a lovely day, as you always should


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How you feeling?

Are you checking up on me, .. again?

It would seem I’m feeling a very sad, an unsettling sad. Why, you may ask? Well I guess this would be my winded answer

How many times do you stare at a screen? How many times do you feel? Combined the two together. Do you feel anything at all when you stare at that screen? The screen that you spend hours on hours scrolling mindlessly, the screen that you click on at least every hour. Seeing and checking, to make sure that you haven’t missed anything, even though nothing happens upon your screen, apart from pretty pictures and sad little icons that make your heart feel like you are missing out on something. When in fact you’d never would have thought of the thing thats currently before your eyes because you only see it now and think of it now, because you can see someone else doing it and you are thinking that you should be doing it because someone else is doing it. Don’t you think this is a silly game? I do.

Arent you tired of feeling like an idiot or a potato head that just sits and waits, because I’m certainly tired of writing about it.

Why cant you be motivated and happy? Why cant you feel the love? Instead of having the thought of ‘I feel unloved’.

You just made a dream, a wish, someone elses wish come true. Yet I feel like an idiot or someone who hasn’t tried.

I cant believe that ive just flew miles upon miles, visiting a different country aka Norway, that i’ve just spent the past four days travelling from one end of Norway to another, yet I feel like a useless idiot. when infact I should feel like I’m on top of the world. Without me realising ive managed to navigate to one place to another. Ive managed to get along with another person. Ive managed to make a written tour, which a friend read about and wanted to do, I made it all come real. Yet I feel deeply sad.

I’m tired of always feeling sad. I probably shouldn’t be writing this, as I did recently get a comment made about writing about too much sad stuff. But I just feel so sad

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Hi Letdown

Hi, that’s what I say.

Is it a hi of interested, or is it a hi of boredom, you never seem to know with me. I’m guilty, I’m a deep hypocrite.

A person who moans constantly about being led on or never knowing where I stand with people, yet in the next breath I’m only to happy to mess them about, just as they mess me about. And that isn’t cool, its actually quite nasty and disrespectful. They do say karma comes in turns, now I understand that when I get a led down, I do kinda deserve it. I’m tired of doing it though. Its not that I do it because I honestly don’t care, its because I get afraid of change or adapting or changing. I guess its because its out of my control. I cant control how things will go, I mean theres another person involved. I don’t know them, I don’t know what they are thinking or what there intentions are.

So sometimes I bail out because to me its just easier to not develop or take a chance. But staying the same doesnt get you anywhere, it leads to boredom, it leads to feeling of self shame or downright defeat. But then this is what I get for saying yes one moment then in the next breath saying no or cancelling out.

People give up on let downs, they give up on people who cancel on them all the time or make silly excuses, or don’t even explain themselves. I mean you would give up on someone eventually if they do it constantly, wouldn’t you? Then you end up complaining that you never see yourself with anyone or that you don’t have any friends to hang out with or just chill. I don’t know whether its down to my inability to trust people at face value or whether its my own insecurities of moving forward, of adapting. Its crazy how a mind can stop you from being or giving a chance on something. Its also kinda sad, but then I deserve it.

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Paradox of choice

Who would be so lucky to have so much choice and opportunities? Whos a lucky soul? I guess it depends how you look at it, as well as whether you have a choice or feel like you don’t have choices because of the person who you are, as well as the commitments that you might have.

My heads continuously buzzing. It wants to do one thing but then when it comes to it, the feelings take over and the mind shuts down. I seem to be saying every night now that I don’t want to do this anymore, that I don’t want to wake up tomorrow and that I want it to all end, but then I think about the things I hear about people who actually do the suicide and the one thing that stands out, the words/saying I keep hearing ‘They didn’t want to die, they just wanted to escape their mind’. That touches home for me, because my mind feels like a constant battle everyday. Like I’m battling a war, which literally has no meaning, because what I worry about, I don’t end up doing. what I fight myself into wishing for or planning for, I don’t end up doing and I think that’s why every night I go to bed wishing to not wake up again. Because I’m tired of exhausting myself everyday mentally, and not getting anywhere. I’m tired of pretending that yeah everythings okay when inside all I want to do is crumble, but knowing full well that you cant, because you can never stop and chill, the world goes to the next day with or without you and its better to drag along that get left behind, but then I get awfully sad when I know without changing myself, without pushing myself, I’m never going to mount up to anything.

So then I think of escape, going to different places, thinking of different scenarios, but they don’t get rid of the deep feeling that sits in the pit of your soul everyday, it always comes back.

I think I have a deep struggle with the concept of life.

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Do you want to know what happened today? of course you dont but youre going to hear it anyway. I picked up a book, the connection was instant. Its made me feel so much in such a short space of time, how is that even possible, how can words have so much unlinking meaning that you feel this peace of connection, a meaning of sorts, so much emotions for fictional characters that it actually makes me want to break down and physically cry. The silent cry at first, with the shake of the body, then within a flip of switch my muffles of held back tears launch into on slaughter of so many unshed tears. My heart literally feels twisted. My brain feels so conflicted and scared and fed up with being this way. Why the freak am I like this?

I’m twenty threes years old who gets in emotional states that I end up making myself ill. My hands burn with tight stressed skin, my head burns with the same condition, my stomach continues to do dip and dive everyday.

I’m freaking tired of choking on my own sadness. I’m tired of being weird, of feeling uncomfortable or unsure of myself, I’m tired of doubting myself and my abilities. I just want to shut down and restart again, but you cant. You can never do that. You can never forget what you feel, even when its manifested from your own brain, you cant forget anything you experience, you cant forget and restart anything at all. Its a joke when people say that you can, because you bloody well cant. Dealing with who you are, accepting yourself for who you are, for what you choose to do, makes you, you and thats who you end up living with for the rest of your life. I mean I’m not a terrible person, I haven’t done anything untold, but blooming hell, I’m not who I use to be but then who the hell was I. I’m lost, ive lost being content with who I was, I just never feel satisfied with who I am anymore and its killing me. I’m tired of having petty arguments with myself. I’m tired of doing things and continuing to do them when I know I shouldn’t but I still do. I’m tired of self hating myself everyday and every minute, yet I still do it and its only growing stronger with each day. I’m tired of finding pathetic excuses for everything that I want to do. I am my own person at the end of the day, but I spend so much freaking time worrying and analysing how the hell my existence affects people and the decisions/ choices I want will affect them. Why do I do that? It gets me nowhere, all it does it exhausted me mentally, but I still cant sleep.

I just want it all to stop, I’m tired of this game. This life.

You tell me why I should get up in the morning? You tell me why I should adapt and change? Because it will do you good, who says that, when literally every person in the world moans and complains about everything in the world. And what is this world exactly? the one ive created seems god damn sad and bitchy with burning skin and deep aching loneliness that is just seems better to bash your own brains against a wall than talk to some other soul. No ones interested. why would anther be interested in sad eye girl, who always has a fallen sunken face, that not even her own dog wants to spend company with. I’m tired of fighting,, and I don’t even know what I’m fighting for.

I want to help people I do, I want to be able to make there dreams and wishes come true, give them experiences and chances to see some of the world, but in another breath I don’t want to be around this. I cant even help myself without whining like a lost puppy or crying like a school kid with no boundaries.

why do things have to be so weird in my world, in this day and age.

I’m tired of trying to workout other peoples motivates, but then its sad to even assume that other people have motivates, but lets face it. people don’t even no general respect or boundaries or pure honesty. Nothing is face value anymore. there is always more to what is asked or what is said or what is seen. theres is so much underlining that I’m tired of trying to work it out.

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Fall Down

lets just fall down, tremble to the floor with the realisation of what could have been. I do hate the what ifs, but you are a shining example of a possibility that I could have. Just let go and live, dream and wish like everyday has a meaning and purpose. Fight for what you believe in and mostly fight for what you want and who you want in your life, because that’s what you did. I don’t know the ins and outs of your life and I doubt I ever will. But that saying goes for everyone in the world because no one knows everything about someone, or what happens behind close doors. sometimes its easy to put on a front and make a show, showing the world youre having a great time, when in side or behind the curtains they could be falling apart, but you just don’t know. The show might actually be true and I believe it to be true with everything I see about you. You fight, you motivate yourself everyday to get to what you want. Everydays a challenge and I’m proud that you achieve and are thankful for what you have. Youre the possibility, the happy spirit and that’s what I miss.

but selfishly is makes me sad, I don’t know whether its because I feel it could have been a possibility for me, or maybe it just makes me sad because I know I could be happy if I chose too but I never choose too. instead I constantly moan about my life or feel like a deflated balloon loosing hope and falling to the floor in defeat everyday. I don’t like the fact that we don’t talk, I know I’m not much of a conversationalist and I know communication takes work, with I’m rubbish at doing or sticking at. I just hate the feeling that our lifes are so separate and that we never take the time to stay in touch with one another. I miss a connection I guess I just miss you

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