I’m in a funk, there’s no other way to put it.
You lay in bed debating about life, which seems to be a daily occurrence, you think what could you possibly do, so you go out and do it, but its not enough. Nothing ever seems to be enough, not enough to feel your soul, which seems to be deflating with more and more abilities that you do. Not enough to over power the sad emotion that constantly rides on my shoulder. Not enough to get rid of the dark thought that hangs above my head, like a noose, a very tempting noose. My minds uncontrollably dark, I feel like I’m losing the control I once had, and now I seem to be tethering on an edge, and that edge doesn’t seem to have very stable rocks.
What am I doing?
What is life?
What are you suppose to do with life?
I’m fed up, most accurately bored with life. I’m fed up of complaining, I’m fed up of walking around as if I have this heavy weight upon my shoulders, when in fact I don’t, because I’m no different to anyone. I’m tired of being me. This girl who walks around like a sunken ship, a girl that hardly smiles, because she doesn’t appreciate what she has or who she has. I’m tired of being this girl who feels like shes always on her own, when shes not, she has all these people around her, people willing to listen to what she has to say, people who would like to spend time with her or maybe. But shes always the one pushing them away, appearing rude, no one likes or appreciates a rude person. Why would you? I’m tired of being this girl who feels like everyone is dishonest, therefore I don’t trust anyone enough to truly speak, or be the person that I could be. I’m tired of letting people down, I don’t like being cancelled on but I’m more than okay with doing it to other people. I don’t know how to converse openly with people without feeling anxious. I hate feeling like a little girl, just because I’m insecure or not confident enough.
Not knowing what to do with my life deeply sucks.
I could literally do or be anything yet I always choose not too.
I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t know where I’m going. The uncertainty frustrates me, because I’m not working towards anything. Well work towards something, But like what exactly?
This is the time to have an open mind, yet its continuously closed, closed to my own running thoughts which have no meaning to life. they are selfish thoughts, they are thoughts that aren’t going to help me get anywhere, where ever that maybe.
I’m tired of being a nasty rude person. I’m tired of being me. I don’t want to wake up anymore