9th got me

you say you don’t care, I don’t care either, but you must care if you constantly contact or reach or still do something with your day. I think if you didn’t care anymore at all you wouldn’t bother doing the things that you still do. You cant expect other people to fix or to motivate you and make you feel better. Those all come within yourself, yes its nice to have the support and realise you arent alone, but I don’t know about you but I do know with me, even when I’m still doing something, like someone coming to the gym with me to motivate me, I still feel like rubbish.

Yeah I feel better than I would have done if I hadn’t gone at all but I still have the sayings running around in my mind ‘I don’t want to this’ ‘I feel crap’ and its tiring hearing all that, all the time.

Its like I’m always constantly looking for something to do, or planning the next step and I’m tired of planning everything all the time. I see the point in planning, its good, but then at the same time I’m like why don’t we just wait and see what happens. I understand the benefits of planning, but you cant plan how someones going to react, you cant plan how to answer a conversation when you don’t know whats going to be said in the first place.

As I’m continuously tired, do you want to know what else I’m tired with…. The big drama effect… Life,

which is the most selfish and ungrateful thing to ever say but its how I feel. I’m tired of getting up in the morning and doing the things that I do, so yes the logical answer would be, change it.

and wouldn’t it be so simple of life if things did change as easily as words, but nothing does, because nothing is suppose to be easy.

I get that change comes in small steps, I get that change is a mountain to climb, but where exactly do you start.

Id like to change career, because I do feel that is the major effect in my life, but then its like you apply for jobs but you don’t get anywhere because you don’t have the experience required, or you endless apply for positions you don’t even know what you are applying for just because you are that desperate for a change, and then you get given an interview but then you realise that realistically you aren’t going to travel that distance everyday and that it wont work out, so you end up back feeling like a tit and wasted someone elses time.

Then you get angry with yourself for even trying in the first place.

I just want to be generally motivated, not forced, not huffing and puffing like I’m going to blow someones house down all the time. Or on the edge of tears because I feel upset about something that I see that ill never be able to change.

so then I go to other areas of my life and things oooh what else can I do to improve it or to make me feel something. But then the little person inside of me, the little human who wants to cry all the time is quietly yelling, whens it all going to stop, why do you put so much pressure on yourself, do you even want to do any of this, and then the hum of I don’t care drifts up and through my aura, and all I want to do is quit.

but stopping and doing nothing, changes nothing.

Doing things gives you the chance for change and experiences, but its just so exhausting all the time.

Another things that my mind shouts at me for wanting me to do, is go to Canada, I don’t know why Canada, maybe its because I know australia is a god damn long flight and that Its the complete opposite. Maybe its because none of my family have ever been and its a chance for me to go. Yet I know nothing about Canada, but then again ive never know anything about the places ive ever been too, ive just flew to them, waved on their island and then bamn come home, end of story.

So Canada is a places id like to go, yet ill only go to do a tour, because I don’t want to do the mind of travelling, I just want to be shown some of the sights, and the tours that are available only tend to be available when I cant go because of work, which I’m finding frustrating. so then I look at other tours and other places to go, but I’m just going to those places for the sake of getting time off, so now its just ridiculous.

Then I think, what do I want….

sometimes I just want the time to stop but it never will

I’m also tired of watching life

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