Do I keep on dancing or do I cry? The debate is in the air. The flip between two completely different emotions, from one side of life to another. Apart of me still wants to move to the beat of the silent drums, dance till I cant any longer yet still keep on dancing, dancing for the soul. Dancing for everything that I feel within. Yet another part of me wants to huddle down to the floor and cry, cry like a sullen child who cant get her way. Cry over the fact that I haven’t slept and cant seem to get any peace. I mean I’m always complaining over the fact that I cant sleep that I never sleep for more than two hours before I’m awake, fits and starts. So I guess I could be wanting to cry because I want some peace, even though I could say I’m currently in a peaceful state. I’m on my own, its silent, technically its peaceful, yet my inner soul isn’t peaceful, its in turmoil. I never seem to be happy with what I have when I have it. I always seem to complain about something, yet I don’t do anything about it. Everythings a choice, which I’ve said before, but I don’t heed my own words. I guess the mind can be a powerful thing, yet it can also be a dangerous game, depending on how you play it.
I’m always thinking what should I be doing, what am I going to do with my life, is this it, etc. I keep questioning myself which sends me in a rollercoaster of thoughts and leads me to nothing but worry and sadness, mainly things that cant be changed in an instant. Everything takes time, that’s what I say, its also what I hear. Yet I’m sick of saying it and hearing it, but that’s probably because I don’t enjoy anything that I do with my time because I’m never in the moment, always thinking of the next thing, the next accomplishment, or the next appointment or the next thing that needs to be done, but really none of it is important. I don’t really need to do anything, I probably don’t even need to feel anything either but lifes always a compete. You will always compare yourself to those around you, making you feel that you have to do things, that you have to do the daily of life because everyone else is, but you don’t. Do you?
I don’t want to be on my own, but its my choices and actions that lead me to feeling as if I’m always on my own, its me who doesn’t try, its me who finds things difficult or uncomfortable because I over analyse everything, Nothing is ever going to be perfect, yet I don’t think I seek for anything to do with perfection. I think the reason for over analysing and obsessive thoughts, are because I want to feel like I fit, like I belong to something, that what I am doing is right, that it is okay. I guess in a sense I’m always looking for reassurance from others. But wouldn’t you need trust and honesty in reassurance? Trust and honesty are my to major issues, and I’m pretty sure that’s down to not having either in my own self. Do I trust myself? No, why? Its scary how my emotions flip from one end to another in such a short time, and the more time goes on, as the years go on, I’m beginning to not like the person that I am, because I have this sense of nastiness and I think I could be mean but I don’t ever want to be nasty. I just feel with my patience not very patient anymore, I get frustrated more and a lot more often, that when I get frustrated I’m not a nice person because I don’t think of how my behaviour would affect someone else in anyway. Would I say I was honest with myself? No, There have been times when I have enjoyed myself but ive denied myself of that feeling because I have. There are times when ive know that it was the wrong thing, yet I did it anyway. There have been times when ive not been honest with myself and therefore not pushed myself to my ability, which would have allowed me different insight to myself and maybe different experience. I always hold myself back and I don’t think that’s being honest with yourself. If you know within yourself that you could be doing so much more, that you could be so much more, yet you aren’t, what does that say about yourself?
I think as time goes on, I’m realising that I’m not any different to anyone else. My issue has always been, I’m the only one who feels this way, I’m the only one experiencing this and doing this, but I’m not. I’m just another tadpole. Its whether I want to be a frog or a different type of frog.