I’ve been lying for a little while and now that my body and mind are finally registering, registering in the fact that my brain literally throbs in pain and my eyes can no longer stay open because it hurts too much. I’ve been lying, I’ve been pretending and now I’m sick of doing those, I’m sick of pretending that this is what I want and that everything’s going to be okay and that I fit in where everyone else is and that I feel at peace, which for all of those is none. I don’t fit in and I don’t think I’ll ever will. I don’t understand why it bothers me so much, maybe it’s because I can’t understand how so many people can pretend to be a fake thing when I know full well it doesn’t achieve anything personally or anything else for anyone else. It’s just an excuse to not live your life the way you actually want to. There’s so many excuses out their, yet denying yourself what you truly want just ends up hurting you individually.
I’m not suppose to be here. That’s what everyday feels like. Like a massive fraud living a life that doesn’t feel like a life, a life with no connection. Nothing feels genuine and maybes that’s because I’m not genuine and I’m tired. Tired of thinking and believing that it’s always going to be this way because I honestly don’t think I could breathe for another second if this is my continue. Yet what else is there for me? What can I possibly give to anyone? I don’t want to do life and that’s what hurts. It’s hurts too much to even give an explanation. I’m just not suppose to be here