To the human who happens to be reading this where are you? why aren’t you inserting yourself in my life, giving me your human aura in my presence. I need you in my life, I need you to give me a boost, a little hug every now and then, telling me that everythings going to be okay, pointing me in the right direction, telling me whats around the corner and that it all works out okay, yes with a little bumps but never the less its going to be alright. where are you, when we could go sightseeing and exploring the wanders of the hidden world, where are you when all I want to do is lean on your shoulder, taking in your sense and feeling comfortable and comforted just by being by your side. where are you, you’re missing out on telling me that I’m doing certain things wrong, where is your guidance and an amazing advice. where is your soul when mines feeling a little lost. Where are your letters of encouragement. Where are you, when I no longer want to feel so alone, battling in an imaginable war, a war that feels like I’m never winning, yet survived and achieved so much. where are you, when all I need is a calming balm to my hetic dramatic madness. Life for me doesn’t make sense, ive done so much yet feel nothing for it, apart from it not being enough. I’m so tired of being this, this demanding person, this unhappy individual who feels like she doesn’t do or get anything, yet I do so much. I can register that much, but that’s not good enough. I’m such an ungrateful person its completely shameful. The fact that I don’t want to do the things that I’m so easily given, or take the opportunities that not everyone gets, is a terrible thing. I should feel lucky, I should feel amazed with all these chances presented before me, but all my inner souls does, is shake her head with defeat. an image floats through my aching head, a girl curled into herself, just sitting there and rocking back and forth because she doesn’t want this. She doesn’t want the chances, she just wants to be left alone, yet I laugh when I say that, because what I have just written doesn’t confirm that saying. I scream, I beg to be left alone, yet that’s what I am, I am alone. I walk this earth on my own because I don’t let anyone in, I just joke or say sullen things because I use it as a force, a shield force, just so that I don’t have to deal with people. I don’t like being involved in other peoples lives, because I’m jealous that when I do, when I listen to others, no one has the same understanding or compassion to hear me out. when I do speak I still feel like I’m being unheard, which in turn makes me want to weep, weep like I just lost someone dear to my soul, like a chisel breaking ice. I feel like I crack, or die just a little more in the soul when I don’t get the reaction that I want, because of who I am. Because I expect so much, that’s why I never let anyone in. I imagine how it should go, how the conversations should be, I Imagine how things should be, but they never are, because I don’t have an open mind. I expect things to be this way and that, I expect them to play out just like they do in my head, and when they aren’t I’m always saddened by the realisation that everything that happens in my head, all the dreams, all the thoughts, all the things will never happen. I get that what you wish for should take a lot of hard work, a lot of effort. I want change, I want to be someone other than this pathetic person, yet I don’t have the energy, the balls, to do it. I’m tired of living, yet that is such a devil thing to say. I don’t want to always feel like an insecure unconfident sixteen year old for the rest of my life. I want to be able to feel like everythings going to be okay, that I’m going to places, that I’m making the right decision, that yes its okay to breath. I hate this feeling of uncertainty. My eyes burn with exhaustion, my muscles ache with tiredness, yet they are all excuses.
What am I doing on this earth when all I do is continue to make problems, to make sorry excuses, to feel nothing but sadness because I don’t allow myself to feel any other emotion. what do I seriously bring to other people lifes?
I want out of this mind, out of this brain, out of these thoughts and just be okay with what I do, instead of always feeling like I should be doing something else. I’m tired of continuously restricting myself, basically punishing myself, but for what? If I’m just continuously punishing myself for my own existence, shouldn’t I just do something about it. Am I even doing anything, because I really don’t feel like I’m getting anywhere, and I’m now twentythree whining like a child.