No one truly asked what it was like. People are only interested in the good, or what you can bring to them, information or an insight in this case. Looking back I realise I was lucky. Lucky in the sense that I had the opportunity to grow, to lean on myself. To build a starting relationship with a brother.
I was lucky because without knowing I never knew how much time I would be giving myself.
I discovered so much about myself and yet so little. I’m still on the road of discovery for my oneself, as well as in the excepting path.
I learnt that I don’t need my parents, it’s just that I like to have them by my side. Knowing that they are okay and that I’m not being forgotten.
I learnt that there’s thousands of people on this earth, I’m just a tiny ant in a huge cage, not much of a meaning for me. What do I bring to this earth?
There’s so much more to discover, the sights, the pictures for my dissolving mind of memories. That’s what I lived for. The next photo, the next shot to show others who don’t have the ability or the money to capture those moments. The world is so much better without a lens. It’s more beautiful than people realise. But it won’t be for long. There’s thousands of us, yet one planet. We are destroying it, some days faster than others. It soon won’t be beautiful. Just like the dying reef out in Aussie. It’s beautiful in some places, but it’s dying and not a lot of living left.
What was it like? It was like stepping into one of many books that I’ve read, stepping into a book and seeing your imagination come to life, but the living part. That was very much to how any day would normally be. The world is wonderful, but I’m not a wonderful person, therefore I don’t see it as a wonderful world on a daily basis. How I feel reflects on the world that I’ve created for myself. How I feel is destroying me so much more than I realise. I stupidly thought that if I left I’d some how magically change. Changing like that doesn’t just happen. Like everything else in the world, everything takes time, patience and faith.
Why did I come back? Truthly, I was lost and lonely. I’ve always been lonely but I thought I wouldn’t be if I came back and surrounded myself with family, the love and support of it all. I guess I was deeply wrong. I think there’s a time in life when you know something but you are too unaccepting of it, then you accept that what you knew in the first place was correct but you’ve lived in denial of the accepting factor.
It’s so easy to say and write a few words, but the meaning, the functioning, the action to the words are so much harder to do.
I should be a stronger person, I should believe in my own abilities. At the end of the day, you have people around you, but you can only rely on yourself.
I blame technology for that. But then again without it I would literally be lost.
The power you give other people can really mess with the world of yours. You should only be the one with the power that you give yourself.
You are stronger than you realise, you don’t want to care but you do, you should care but not the way that you do. Everyone plays on other people’s strings.
I’m tired of feeling cornered in a cage, trapped by my imaginary strings. The inability to talk, just general talk.
There is so much time in the world, in the day. It’s what you do with it that counts to you.
It’s upsetting to be thousands of miles of a way and to have people messaging me that they miss me and can’t wait for a catch up when in fact, now that I’m only a couple of miles a way that they don’t want to know that you even breath. I hate that I feel so unsure of myself in a environment that I spend so much time in. I hate that I can’t be comfortable in my own skin and that the only way I deal with my problems is by eating when I don’t even feel like it. I hate that the one thing I came back for, family, I feel less connected than ever before. I don’t like the feeling that the way I live is all completely my fault. I talk less than I’ve ever had. The loneliness of not being accepted is difficult and so unloving.
I’ve never been given a bad card but I seriously wish upon myself that I should get a bad card given. My journey on this earth isn’t just to learn and accept myself because that isn’t the game I want to play.