Not exactly having a great day. Emotions running high, sometimes they are pretty low. To be honest my goal has been not to think, because once I start my mind starts to scramble. Keeping unnecessary emotions within me isn’t exactly great. I just feel like I’m always beating myself up, always shaming myself in the way I think and feel and what I say to people. But what I do say is always only half of what I actually feel. Because when I start to feel and speak with the 80% I feel, people don’t like it. I’m always stopping myself from being someone, from expressing an emotion, that needs to so desperately get out of me, just for the soul purpose of being to concerned with how people are going to react. I really do want to be somebody, but at times I feel that its never going to happen, because I don’t push myself as I don’t know where to begin. I don’t need materials ive never needed gifts. Yes its great to receive unexpected things, but they don’t fill the missing pieces. Materials get lost, get misplaced, or forgotten about. Its a lovely gesture, as I like to buy people things myself. And I do that because I want them to know that I think and care about them, without saying the words. But I think we now live in a world where its better to be honest, its better to know where you stand from the outset. I don’t express words, because I have years of pain that Ive never been able to get off my chest. I don’t use my voice when I should, because I’m always scared of what other people think or how they are going to react. And theres a massive consequence that I now have to live with. Ive become a watcher not a interactor. I watch live pass by, instead of living life. I don’t talk to people, express my emotions because Ive got too much anger, too much misplaced upset, that when I do talk its all negative and directed at the wrong people. I want to let go. I need to let go. More importantly I don’t want these emotions to rule my life, which it has done for so long. I don’t want to be this person anymore. I don’t want it to ruin chances. Its already ruined the way I think and feel. Its destroyed endless opportunities and I don’t think I could survive another time of giving up of great experiences.
Karma is going to hit. Its going to come round to me and mess me up completely. I know it is. I given up of things and chances because I’m too scared. Therefore when a thing or chance that Id like comes across, it wont be open to me. Ive let people down, hurt their feelings, or cancelled on them because of this overthinking fear within me. Its going to come a time when I really need someone and there isn’t going to be anyone. I’m already alone and Id hate to think of a worser feeling than this. I constantly express negativity, its going to come when negativity it all I have and hear.
My karma is going to hit me. I’m ready for it, as I do deserve it
Its time to grow up and face something of the world. Just breathe, keep moving, keep up, everything else will follow. Its time to let go of being a negative girl that lives with emotions I should be rid of, to things that happened years ago, but I still hold onto it. To let some member go, and just try to be me. Its not exactly pretty to see even after all these year, to someone else, that they still hold it very close to their hearts. I don’t want to be like that, but I am. Its all I can think about. Theres so much more to the world than bitter, mixed up, hurt emotions
I just want to let go and have a good day