That time again

I was only thinking this morning that I haven’t written in a while, now a few hours later I’m writing about myself once again.

So here goes….

Why is it that many say ‘Are you having a bad day’ on my good days, but on my bad shit crazy days, they are like ‘Good day was it.’

It’s weird, because it gets me thinking like, shite maybe I’m really truly happy when I’m a complete utter bitch. I know that’s not true because I hate myself when I’m like that.

Today was an okay day. Worked nine hours and even offered to do some extra! I’m helpful like that. So I did a full days work, managed to get many things done, as well as some new tasks started. So in a working day, it was a good one. Such a good one in fact, that I didn’t even complain as much as I normally do. Came home and made myself a fish pie, buying myself some time. Now I’m writing to you. All day occupied on only five hours sleep. So I have to say its been an okay day. Maybe with reduced sleep I’m more, how to I put it… workable, liveable. I’m not really sure of the word I’m looking for, maybe nice, anyway it was a thought that maybe if I slept less my mood might change. Probs a load of rubbish, who knows.

So yeah, got asked a lot if I was okay. They obviously thought I wasn’t having a good day, but then when last week, less than five days ago, when I had a very scary shitty psycho break no one asked if I was okay. I mean that’s weird, right?

I have to admit the break wasn’t great. It was very concerning. I didn’t even think I could push it back in. I had honestly thought ‘I’ve finally bloody lost it!’ It was scary, Like bad shite scary.

Theres breaking, then theres broken.

I thought I was broke.

But it’s good. I’m okay. I’m not broken. Because if I was, I’d still be rocking, crying, punching until my fist was purple. Literally whaling in agony, but today was an okay day.

I’m still bothered by the conversations of food, and how many people are becoming food obsessed, as well as me wanting to look slim because I don’t want to be fat. I’m not fat, I’m not fat as I was. I just don’t want to go down a route where I become fat, but with how I feel, I resort to food. Which isn’t great! I’m just not liking the new talk of the new generation, where everyones becoming so body imagined. If one person starts, it’s going to be rubbed off onto other people. Like today for example. I had half a tin of veggie soup for lunch (Apparently One tin alone serves two people. Didn’t know this!) I had someone make a quote that it’s unhealthy because it’s out of a tin. All I could think was, I’ll never win!

I don’t like to think the world has always been so focused on what we eat, how we eat it. I’d like to think the world hasn’t always been so opinionated about the way we should look. I mean it’s a long time, life, to constantly think and watch what we eat everyday. It’s not exactly great for the head!

I’m also concerned that whatever I happen to do, or where I go. I will always be on my own. Like the feeling of being alone, even though you have people around you, but you still feel alone. I’m concerned because I  feel like I’m not like other people at times, that I might end up making things more difficult in the upcoming months. The way I deal with things when they get difficult or hard, I hide. I hide from people if I’m too afraid to face them. I’m about to push myself into a million lifes, to having to be around different people everyday, every moment for a while. I’m concerned with how will I cope, can I even cope. I’m not going to have anyone by my side who understands me, or gets me. I don’t even have that now. It’s just one of my many concerns.

In my last post I talked about why I think I’m the way I am, and why I feel like I do, as well as simple things I could do to change my head. It’s just hard. I need to fill my head with good stuff. with motivation and goals, with experiences to do and adventures to try. But I always end up back to this slouchy, baggy, aired feeling. Nothings rolling around in my head apart from the repeat circle of negativity. I know how to change it; find friends, go out and play. Invest in life, and all that bang, but I always keep myself back. Why is that?

I read somewhere the other day that, somewhere along the lines, many people who are depressed is because they no longer self express their true self. that they’ve kept themselves back, out of fear, being too afraid to be their true self. Because they worry about how they are going to be received. Being your true self, express yourself, you are allowing yourself to be you, comfortably, accepting who you are. Embracing it, therefore you are happy with who you are. Maybe those words hold some heed. Maybe they are wise.

Random thought.

I’m wanting, should say I’d like, that companion. Whether it be a guy or a girl, a friend or a boyfriend. I’d just like to have the added security of safeness, of sharing, of being no longer alone on my paddle board.

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