I know why Now

I get it! I think i do.

I can honestly say I believe why I feel the way I do. Let remind you about how I feel. Like a dead empty brick, weighing the worlds down. A black cloud on a sunny day. The anger of a storm with no purpose. Just aimlessly walking through life with no end goal, feeling rubbish about pretty much anything that floats through me. I feel like this because well I don’t think about anything other than myself. I don’t do anything other than work. So therefore I’m fed up with myself because I don’t enjoy anything because I don’t do anything. I don’t think about anything, because I don’t know what to do, or what to think about. So I’m left with only the mistakes, the past to over think about, especially the things that never worked out, which is most things. Therefore this leaves me to constantly dwell on thinking I’m not good enough, or understandable. I’m miserable because I don’t do anything. I’m frustrated because, I’m too scared to do anything. I don’t do anything because I’ve always been knocked down, shut off whenever I did do something. I don’t trust people, because the people I loved always left, or shut me out when I needed them the most. I never interact with other people, because people in the past have never shown me acknowledgement or understanding, or shown a sign that they wanted to actually know me. I’ve always felt that I’ve had a negative input towards my life in everything that I do. From interacting with people about the daily life, where they’ve complained about something that I didn’t do right, or didn’t say the right thing. To going out and being questioned to why I went out, what I did and should have done. To feeling proud about reaching a task but for someone to whisper you can do better than that. To having someone always on my back when all I’ve wanted to do was enjoy doing the simple things. To eating what I liked, what I enjoy, for someone to always criticize what went into my mouth. Whispering that’s not good enough, or that’s unhealthy, to is that all you are having. Always receiving mixed signals, emotions from someone else. To someone speaking nicely to me one minute to full own hardness when there was no need to be. I’ve always felt like the mixed, negative signals I’ve received throughout my life has majorly impacted onto my way of life. It’s made me become negative, lacking motivation, and having goals to achieve. I never seen the point in anything that I do. I always feel that what I do isn’t good enough or not enough. I feel that when I don’t do something, I should be doing something. I always feel that what I am isn’t right, because so many people are doing things, and I’m not. Always comparing myself to others, to what you see on the media/internet. To how people look, to the way people think you should look and speak. To the way the new generation has no values, no respect about others.

I can honestly say If I was accomplishing something, if I was achieving something, to becoming something, I wouldn’t be miserable. If I filled my spare time with joy, If I filled it with love and no bitterness I would be able to see a way in life. If I went out and allowed myself to interact with someone other than myself, to fully express life and not hold back, I might just let someone in and be able to trust the world. But I don’t. That’s why I am the way I am. With all these what ifs, The what ifs that I’d like to have, to feel, to express, makes me angry with who I am, no longer liking myself because I’m keeping myself back. To protect myself but I’m only hurting myself. Simply destroying myself. If I just lived, and accepted everything, shrugged off the negative, id be someone. But I’m not.


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