Blankness, yeah I’m saying it again. Feel like a dead empty brick. Think I’ve reached the point where a no is a no. A yes is a yes. Might just try the yes, and see where it gets me, even though I’m not a hundred percent committed. Try something, maybe that’s what I need to do, before I scream in silent frustration, but I don’t really want to say yes. Guess that’s like trying to live, but not really wanting too.
My attitude about everything seems to be like that though. Even with the good stuff that’s about to happen in the coming months. That’s me, just being an ungrateful shite. Ah god, I just don’t want to think. I don’t want to feel. I simply don’t want to process a thing.
I read somewhere that a step to happiness is to eliminate complaining. Well I’m doing wonderfully, as you can see. Old habits die hard.
I feel like whatever I say doesn’t get me anywhere, apart from into a big hole, I feel like it’s my fault for being me. Honestly don’t trust, it makes me want to stab myself, just to see what happens. It hurts me that I cant trust, cant rely on anyone. It’s literally eating me up, killing me on the inside. It just makes me want to give up. If I wasn’t so emotionally high, maybe I’d be okay. But look at this, right here with these words, I’m wishing to be someone else. Therefore I don’t accept myself, for who I am. Isn’t that a terrible thing to do to yourself. I’ve never personally done anything wrong to myself. So where the hell did it start? Who did the first mark? Why cant I just love/ accept myself? Im sick of being me. Of thinking this way. Literally sick.