Annoyance

Annoyance, is annoying and once again annoying my inner soul, making me feel sad and deflated and once again down hearted and beaten. What’s the story of life, how do you go on when you see no goings on. Don’t you find it a little annoying being internally frustrated with yourself all the time. It’s like a constant internal inner log of arguments and punishments for your own self. It just leads to self hate and no love. Then you feel self defeated and sad because you don’t feel loved because you have none for yourself

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Sometimes

Sometimes you just need to take a minute, to register yourself, to check in and ask ‘Are you okay? Are you truly okay?’

Its easy enough to push your own emotions away and think that they don’t matter, that how you feel is just a silly feeling. But sometimes you just reach a point, to a breaking point. Ive always thoughts emotions are silly, why get so wounded about such and such. why get sad about someone or happy in a moment, so I don’t display them often, but my insides still feel. My heart still breaks, my throat squeezes tight, my eyes swell, my mind explodes.

Lets face it, whos really okay? Maybe today is just a good day and tomorrow is a bad one.

We all reach a point, we all carry on. But sometimes I don’t want to.

I don’t want to say goodbye to you, but I feel like I’m loosing you. I’m loosing something. Maybe even my own self to an extent, but then it makes me question, who am I really. I hate self doubt in all categories. I hate that its so easy to fall out of love with yourself, that its so easy to see the negative but never the positive.

The world is a huge place, what does a tiny person like myself have to play in it. Should my world just be small, the way that it is, but I feel so lost and fed up with myself.

Letting people in is a difficulty of mine, but it just seems when I start to, theres always a good bye. Is there ever a real connection.

Don’t you get tired of waking up everyday, feeling a little sad, but you put on a brave misery face anyway, you get on with your day anyway, even when the day ends you just feel even worse than you started. Your throat squeeze, trying to swallow those emotions, but they don’t go down quietly they give you an emotional headache instead.

I don’t get how people do it, how they do life. I feel like an idiot, because all I do is complain. Complain to an empty head, and sad mind. I don’t know how to make myself better.

Don’t you find the world to be a lonely place?

When things go bad, I look for an alternative, and idea or a place to escape to. But theres only so much running you can do. But I already know you cant run away from yourself, but that’s the one person I try to escape from. How did liking your ownself become so complicated. Insecurities, fears, loneliness make life difficult.

You should never have to be alone

But sometimes it just feels like you are always by yourself.

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Bored space

We should talk more often. I know you want to, like I want too. That feeling of wanting to connect, to communicate to one another, burns within. You feel the same way as I do, don’t you? You message me first, like the lonely girl that I am, I reply, but then you never reply to me. I’m just the blank space you go to when you are lonely or bored, I’m just the girl who helps you pass time, whilst you find or think of something better. Don’t you think of others before you press send, or do you just do what you always feel and want. I don’t get it. I give you the time and day to reply to you. Why cant you be decent enough to extend the same courtesy. I feel like an idiot. That’s why I have difficulty in letting people in, I’m just so use to being used and mentally messed about with. That’s why I don’t let people in, but it still has the ability to mess with my mind. Why do people like you do it, all the time. What do you actually get from it. I’m just a bored space for you

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Tears dear

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Muddled thoughts about a possibility

I feel like I’m always dreaming, when reality comes crashing, I feel like ive never slept, each day folds into one.

You seek my attention with the tips of your fingers, typing to me, I’m just as bad, my lonely self quickly replys. I seek what you write, yet I never receive what you say. Are you just words?

You and your world is a dream I use to write about. Your world, you being you, is something I use to imagine about many years ago. You were once a dream I had hoped for, to get to, at some point in my life. I chased and searched for that dream but when I got there it never became a reality. But since I left, I feel it could have been, now I’m more alone and I feel like ive lost a dream, and a life I could have had, but its all down to my own imaginative mind. If I didn’t get so strung up on a flicker of a possibility id be okay. but you are a hope that’s never going to be. You don’t like me the way I hope you do, you just want what you cant have, like I cant have you therefore I wish I could but its an impossibility.

Here right now is all we need, its how you feel, its what you say that’s got me going blind in hope for you. The thoughts that you say to me has got me falling, falling for something so handsome and wicked, that I cant have. You take over my mind, just one ping of a message, that’s all it takes.

Honey did you know it rains from the sky? but it pours from the heart? Nar I didn’t either. Dance with me like you want to, move with the flow, like one two three, you make me feel young and believable. These thoughts that run through my mind don’t happen, you give me a little flutter just by the sound of your voice, but why? Are you even here with me? We had a chance, yeah a one chance but we didn’t take it. Fears, insecurities got us making silly excuses, now we have no chance of anything. Why do this to a weak mind? I cant be who you want and need me to be. Id love to be that person, I desire for you to be my chance, but I’m a fool for not saying Hi at a chance. I’m the fool for coming home and hoping everything would be the same, because the funny thing is, it is, thats the joke because I’m not the same. I cant go back to a dream, I cant stay here, so what do I do?

Ive been wondering why you’ve been messaging me, what would you like from me? I want to be something, but what do you want to be? Do you think about me in a glimpse, a midnight thought? or do you have a thought in the daylight about me, a convo youd like to have but I’m just not there?

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In one

I’m in a mood, I don’t like planning or organizing and thinking about the future and what I should do. But I need to do it because I don’t want to just work and live like this, not that there’s anything wrong with it, I just want something. I feel like I need something to make myself feel better. I just feel sad, even though everything on average is going well. Im getting annoyed with myself, its like I look at stuff to book or to plan but I always hold back or self doubt myself, because I think I’m only looking at this stuff because I feel the need to feel my time. I don’t have the feeling or the thought that I actually want to do it. Or see these places, because I just think when I book it what am I gonna do there. Is that because of the paranoid anxiety that I get, or is that me just being self conscious and silly. I want to change but I feel like I’ll never change. I want to do things and have something meaningful in my life but I don’t know what that is, therefore I don’t know what I’m looking for. I’m tired of feeling lost or doing the same thing on repeat when I don’t really want to be doing it. I don’t really get the honest point of the life

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Thought for a sad feeling

Life is what you create, life is a choice. Everything you choose to do, shapes the life that you live. So most importantly your thoughts shape you to be you. Good thoughts, good vibes, equals a good you with good love. Bad thoughts lead to negativity which leads to a bad day, slow goal reaches, and a miserable existence. Yeah you have a bad day and some good days or it’s the other way round. Emotions are just to powerful, they have the ability to knock you off your feet, but they also have the ability to lift you so high, you feel like you are on mountain overlooking life. But the bad feelings can make you feel so small, so ashamed to be who you are, to feel like you are constantly in someone’s way or that you don’t belong. I hate those feelings, those are the feelings I don’t want to feel anymore. Sometimes when you know what happens to be the trigger, but you don’t want it to be that trigger, breaks your heart even more.
I’ve done well the past year, a complete change from the year before, yeah I still have the odd day, but I’m not as bad as I’ve been. But a knock like this doubts everything that I do and who I am.
Some days I question why
You could be anywhere, anywhere in the world, doing anything you wanted to do, or you could simply be coasting somewhere, being peaceful or damn bored else where. But I wanted the love of family. The love of friends and most importantly the love for myself that I knew I once had. But that, right there is the problem. You can never go back, you can never be the person you once was, because you’ve changed, even without realizing you are no longer the person you once was.
This battle of life with myself is tiresome, so I changed it around. I’m working on my inner self, but the absence of something is obvious.
Something is missing
I’m a fool for thinking I could make things work

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