In one

I’m in a mood, I don’t like planning or organizing and thinking about the future and what I should do. But I need to do it because I don’t want to just work and live like this, not that there’s anything wrong with it, I just want something. I feel like I need something to make myself feel better. I just feel sad, even though everything on average is going well. Im getting annoyed with myself, its like I look at stuff to book or to plan but I always hold back or self doubt myself, because I think I’m only looking at this stuff because I feel the need to feel my time. I don’t have the feeling or the thought that I actually want to do it. Or see these places, because I just think when I book it what am I gonna do there. Is that because of the paranoid anxiety that I get, or is that me just being self conscious and silly. I want to change but I feel like I’ll never change. I want to do things and have something meaningful in my life but I don’t know what that is, therefore I don’t know what I’m looking for. I’m tired of feeling lost or doing the same thing on repeat when I don’t really want to be doing it. I don’t really get the honest point of the life

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Thought for a sad feeling

Life is what you create, life is a choice. Everything you choose to do, shapes the life that you live. So most importantly your thoughts shape you to be you. Good thoughts, good vibes, equals a good you with good love. Bad thoughts lead to negativity which leads to a bad day, slow goal reaches, and a miserable existence. Yeah you have a bad day and some good days or it’s the other way round. Emotions are just to powerful, they have the ability to knock you off your feet, but they also have the ability to lift you so high, you feel like you are on mountain overlooking life. But the bad feelings can make you feel so small, so ashamed to be who you are, to feel like you are constantly in someone’s way or that you don’t belong. I hate those feelings, those are the feelings I don’t want to feel anymore. Sometimes when you know what happens to be the trigger, but you don’t want it to be that trigger, breaks your heart even more.
I’ve done well the past year, a complete change from the year before, yeah I still have the odd day, but I’m not as bad as I’ve been. But a knock like this doubts everything that I do and who I am.
Some days I question why
You could be anywhere, anywhere in the world, doing anything you wanted to do, or you could simply be coasting somewhere, being peaceful or damn bored else where. But I wanted the love of family. The love of friends and most importantly the love for myself that I knew I once had. But that, right there is the problem. You can never go back, you can never be the person you once was, because you’ve changed, even without realizing you are no longer the person you once was.
This battle of life with myself is tiresome, so I changed it around. I’m working on my inner self, but the absence of something is obvious.
Something is missing
I’m a fool for thinking I could make things work

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Cut the

Lets all just take a minute, take a minute to realise what truly matters to us, to yourself

You know those first few 30 seconds every morning we take, you know the ones we aren’t exactly aware of, the first few seconds of waking up, those unclouded memories, when we haven’t registered who we are, or what happened yesterday or even how we are feeling, we are just empty, unaware in those first few seconds every morning. You have no doubts, nothing bothering you, no worries, no concerns, but those seconds only last mere seconds, then everything comes running back to you like a never ending stream. You remember what happened moments just before you fell asleep to lala land. You remember the arguments you may or may not have had. You remember thoughts and feelings, those thoughts and feeling you were most likely going to sleep just to hide from.

So lets just take a deep breath, fill those lungs with open air and exhale with a big whoosh. Lets realise what truly matter to our own being, to ourself.

Do you really want to keep holding those grudges you’ve been holding since you were a little girl. Do you still want to be holding those doubts and worries that you know full well you can do nothing about, or you don’t know how you’ll react to a situation until it arises. Why live continuously in the past of who your character use to be, or how people judge you to be. If you want to change, if you want to adapt and becoming something else, do it. You should always benefit yourself no one else. Why does life have to be treated like a secret or a lie or live a life in fear because you are afraid of what others will say about you. Are those people with you when you go to sleep? You feel like they have your best interest at hard? How do you know what someone else is truly feeling. Life is continuously judged or mistreated. Why go around living life thinking whats this person going to do me. You wake up alone, you go to sleep alone. You don’t off let to anyone, so why live your life as if you do have someone continuously judging you.

At the end of the day you are you

You shouldnt hide who you are

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Hold

Spooning the love into you. Let me curl around you, let me wrap my arms around you, hold you tight, whilst you curl into a ball. A fetal ball, you want to hold yourself, you want to just lay in your bed on your own, trying to hold yourself, but you feel so alone. You don’t have too. Let me curl with you, let me hold you. Let me share this spoon with you. Allow my body to comfort you in ways that words can never do justice. Let my warmth, my soul, comfort yours. Let me share this exhaustion of weight that you carry with you, which you try to rest from. Let me help you, just by holding you, hugging you, spooning you. Just nestle into me, release those tense muscles, let my warmth comfort you. Let me hold you, I want to hold you so badly, let you know that everything’s going to be okay, that I’ll always be here for you. I want to hold you for you, most importantly I just want to be apart of you

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Hi there

Hi there
I’m slightly annoyed a little frustrated and extremely pissed off. Too much high expectation in life can literally destroy your life and make you feel like a defeated leg. Sad that the blocked emotions that you hold so tight within are trembling under your skin wanting a deep release of some sort but you just don’t know how.
I thought a change would be good. let’s be honest I thought the change would automatically change me. It doesn’t. Im always going to be like this. Unsure of myself, but I’m doubting myself and I do not want to be like that anymore. it’s annoying when I get frustrated. Its annoying feeling this way.
I mean like, what is life? Why are people petty or silly? Why am I me? The doubt. Annoying. What am I doing? I just want, I don’t know what I want. I feel like I need to let go, let go of the tension, just breathe but the doubt knocks and I feel like I’m the idiot in the room or the one that never fits.
I get life is what you put in but how do you possibly get more from life when you don’t know what that more is?

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An open palm

Let me take your hand and place into mine

Take my hand and place it into yours, feel the connection through our open palms, feel the heat and energy that’s rolling off one another. Do you feel the connections, the one ship? Do you feel the energy that beats beneath my skin flow through to you? or can you imagine how it would feel, to feel connected and united as one?

Everyday is our own, but how many of us sit alone, thinking of you, thinking of me, how it would be, to be together in the same room.

I decided on a  path, to allow myself to feel a connection, and a connection less with myself, to feel less tense with who I was. but now that I have achieved, now that I’ve got it, I spend more time alone than I thought, I knew this case would present it self to me, its what I was hoping for and I got it. Before I was roaming in my spare time, now I’m lost in my spare time. I just want to spend it with a soul. which I have a four legged soul at my feet, but I still feel like I’m lost, a little unsure of who I am and what I’m suppose to be doing.

Everyday is your own, you become who you want to be, not who the world makes you to be with lost time. That’s why people say you should make the most of your time, go after what you really want, be who you truly want to be, don’t be someone else just to make someone else happy. I just don’t know what to be. The world is a big place, every trip gives an insight to how many people there actually is in this massive world, yet hardly any of us truly connect. Like with the people I already know, they mean a lot to me, but I don’t know about you, but me, I don’t talk or tell them any of my worries, or my lost problems. I’m on my own in that sense, but that’s my own choosing.

I don’t know why I’m writing this, maybe its a simple fact;

If your palm was touching mine, youd feel the beat of my pulse trying to match with yours.

If you took my hand, as I take yours, youd realise I’m trusting you, just by a simple act.

If you gave me the time, I could look into your soul and not feel embarrassed or heated to be staring so intently at you. youd realise I’m doing it, because I’m staring into your soul and realising your true potential. you realise that I’m trying to connect with you above all those words, just by a look, but a look that has so much meaning.

to feel a connection

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Confession

Im a emotional eater, and its a complete disaster, okay thats maybe a little dramatic but im emotional and i curb the emotional pains with food. So you can only imagine how big ive blown.

The thing is, even when im eating to try and occupy my mind of my depleteing emotions, it still doesn’t improve my mood, it doesn’t even do a thing for my mind, let a lone my body, not even a tiny fraction of an inch. Im kidding, it adds an itch to my waistline.

I don’t want to be big, Nothing wrong with being big, but i personally don’t want to be. Yet, i eat. I over load my plate every evening, well its actually a bowl because the bowls bigger and keeps everything within. I starve myself most days, all day till the evening, so that i can eat and eat. Even when the bowls empty i still continue to eat more, by making myself a dessert. I mean i wouldn’t say i eat unhealthy food. The things i mainly eat are vegetables and fruit, just lots of it. And yes sometimes biscuits and some chocolate.

Im trying to break the habit, i try, i say every night that i wont do it tomorrow, but tomorrow comes and im right back at it. Doing the same mistake as the day before, all because i feel sad, or because i feel alone, or im bored and its kinda annoying that im relying on food to make me feel better, when it doesn’t even do such a thing. Its all i can think about. The next meal, what am i going to have. Im always guilty with what i have after ive eaten it. Which just makes me feel worse, so thats why i starve myself for so long, then when i cant stop thinking about the food, im like oh bother lets have something. Im not really thinking about what im making, i just want something quick and easy so that it can get in my mouth quicker. Im that delusional, in a state that i don’t care about anything else but food. And its annoying. There has to be more to life than the next meal, yet its all i seem to be living for

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