Restless yet tired

Basically fed up yet I’m not doing anything to change that and ugh, I’m tired of saying these words. I don’t know how to go on, to what’s next. Im tired I’m restless and fed up of this monologue of life. Then scream at me and tell me to do something but then I utter under my breath im tired. I’m always tired, yet I can’t sleep. Why the bloody hell I can’t sleep, it’s annoying and it’s frustrating. I’m so angry with life with what I’m doing with every breath that I utter. I don’t even want to be around myself. I don’t know how to be around anyone without getting irritated or ruining something for someone and then I say to myself what’s the point in me being me because I don’t get anywhere I’m always disappointed with what I do. I’m not even truly awake to appreciate what I do. It’s like I’m waiting for something yet I’m continuously waiting and I’m not getting anywhere. Nothing comes to you. Happiness isn’t given, it’s how you look on things. It’s how open you are and I’m neither. How do you change that without getting so angry with yourself? How do up lice when your a ball of hate?

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Unsettled, disconnected

Have you ever felt so unsettled within yourself that you feel like you’ve forgotten something? Have you ever felt so unnerved about your own presence that you want to scream and claw out of your own body?

I feel like I’m floating, like an empty vessel going nowhere, yet I’m still managing to float to the unknown of tomorrow. It’s unsettling and disconnecting and quite frankly it makes me feel uneasy. Uneasy about myself about my life about my choices.

Where am I going?

What’s really running through my mind?

Is the time seriously still ticking or am I just imagining it?

My legs burn with exhaustion

My heart feels heavy with this unknown weight

My shoulds feel like they’ve got constantly heavy weights sitting on them.

My stomach churns

My head screams with the saying it’s too loud, yet it’s completely silent

What’s happening to me?

What’s going on in my own mind?

Why do I feel like this? Like I never have any control, no correspondence to life?

How did I even get here? To this day, to this feeling

Am I even awake ? Cause I’m doubting life once again

Something just not right

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Boost

Feeling sad yet again, so I thought id give it a go at writing something uplifting about myself.

You may not be feeling the love or anything of any meaning at this current moment in time. You maybe feeling down about life and what to do with yourself or have the thoughts of what am I suppose to be doing fluttering through your brain. You maybe having doubts about life and feeling alone more than ever, but you are so much more than these emotions that flutter through your body and having them affect your life.

Youre a girl who cares yet defines that affection. Youre a girl that would go out of her way trying to help someone that matters or you think could do with the help, even when you complain that no one does it for you, you find purpose in that.

Youre a girl who always thinks of others, and how you as an individual may affect their life, that is why you are so reluctant to share yours with others as well as try new things, as you don’t want your soul to affect other humans.

Youre a girl that’s always up in cloud nine, thinking of something more than where you are already, which can be a curse, yet a promise for others, giving them hope to other possibilities.

Youre a girl who likes to explore, endless walking, just to breath in new scenery. Youre a girl who got herself home from Australia, who gave sightseeing the world a go. You gave faith to others without realising, you gave hope to a dream that maybe something would happen.

Youre a girl that does give up easily but you do try new things even if they make no sense, as well as that they take time for you boost up some confidence to do them.

Youre a girl that’s been to places, always inviting someone to come along even if that’s self esteem issues, youre giving other people memories and experience without realising.

Youre a girl who always checks in with people you care about, even if its just a quick Hi, It shows meaning and thought. Its nice to still be noticed.

Youre a girl who constantly plans, or thinking of a plan, whether its exploring for a new holiday or thinking of ideas for gifts, it shows you always hope.

Youre a girl who is quite, kinda recluse, yet it makes you a good listener, helping other people off load their problems so that they don’t feel alone, even if you say nothing as a response.

Youre a girl who tries to live even if you get internally frustrated.

 

You maybe having a bad, but everyone has a bad day. You maybe feeling alone, yet thousands are truly alone. You feel you are alone yet you do have people to turn to, you just choose not to. You maybe wanting to cry, but there is nothing broken about you.

You consume yourself with these thoughts, which makes you a selfish person.

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Hurts a little bit more than normal

I’ve been lying for a little while and now that my body and mind are finally registering, registering in the fact that my brain literally throbs in pain and my eyes can no longer stay open because it hurts too much. I’ve been lying, I’ve been pretending and now I’m sick of doing those, I’m sick of pretending that this is what I want and that everything’s going to be okay and that I fit in where everyone else is and that I feel at peace, which for all of those is none. I don’t fit in and I don’t think I’ll ever will. I don’t understand why it bothers me so much, maybe it’s because I can’t understand how so many people can pretend to be a fake thing when I know full well it doesn’t achieve anything personally or anything else for anyone else. It’s just an excuse to not live your life the way you actually want to. There’s so many excuses out their, yet denying yourself what you truly want just ends up hurting you individually.

I’m not suppose to be here. That’s what everyday feels like. Like a massive fraud living a life that doesn’t feel like a life, a life with no connection. Nothing feels genuine and maybes that’s because I’m not genuine and I’m tired. Tired of thinking and believing that it’s always going to be this way because I honestly don’t think I could breathe for another second if this is my continue. Yet what else is there for me? What can I possibly give to anyone? I don’t want to do life and that’s what hurts. It’s hurts too much to even give an explanation. I’m just not suppose to be here

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Its me again…

I’m basically going to spend this  whole writing session repeating myself, which yes I am sick of but I’m still going to do it, because why not. Its suppose to be good to vent.

I’m tired, my eyes are heavy. why is that, you ask. Well I like to think its because I push myself everyday, but basically its because I don’t eat right. I mean who eats right? A healthy person! Well I’m not, and I havent been eating right for a while now that I’m suffering with my IBS and bad breath and all that jazz. But I’m always hungry even when I don’t do any exercise. I never seem to lose weight, which makes me really sad and angry because when I do try and I mean starve  myself and exercise like I’m training for unimaginable marathon I don’t lose a thing. So I comfort myself and eat. My legs are defiantly trimmer due to all the walking that I do but nothing else is. Yet I get tired of obsessing over my weight and how I look. I’m not pretty, and id like to be pretty, maybe it shines through differently for different people, maybe if I was more confident but then I get deeply annoyed when I compare myself against someone else, because A I don’t want to be like them. I want to be me, but I don’t. I don’t want to be anyone else, yet I don’t like who I am most of the time.

I’m tired of fighting a continuous imaginable battle that is literally getting me nowhere.

What have I done about anything that ive previously moaned about? Urm lets see, continued on how I was, wrote different things. Ive not improved yet I’m tired of always thinking of ways to change and improve. And when I get to this stage all I want to do is shoot myself in the head and be done with it all.

I want something that I can work towards, I want something to live for, yet its always a chase.

I want to be healthy, yet I don’t think that’s ever going to be achieved.

 

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How do you tell someone

How do you tell someone that you don’t want to carry on anymore, how do you tell someone that you don’t want to see them anymore because you cant take there kindess or generosity anymore. I feel like a fraud in my own skin, I scream wanting help yet when i have available time to sort, to plan, all i want to do is curl in a ball and just lay there, but thats ungrateful, thats not using time wisely, then i cry everyday because life goes round in a circle. I want to scream until my lungs burn, i want to stamp my feel like a sullen child, why must a new day begin, why must we do this life of a circle. Whats the purpose in this breathing, this llife? I like to say im lost, but im not am i, Im just stubborn, I just like to complain about my everyday life. I want to pack a bag, but the time isn’t right, it would make more sense to save a little more then leave, so while im saving why aren’t i spending the time that i do have, planning anything? The answer would be i don’t want to, i don’t want to leave, i just want to forget everything, i just want it all to stop. I want the time to stop ticking, i want to stop making lists that dont get achieved. I just want to stop, I want it all to go away and for everything to stop churning in my mind.

The only time i like in my life, is that unrecognised thirty seconds just when youre coming out of sleep, the dead sleep. Where you have no clue as to where you are, what day it is. You are unsure but not fully registered. Thats the second i like because i don’t think with feeling.

Im tired of all of this. Tired of writing about nothing apart from my fed up of life tendencies, it pathetic and pointless

 

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Brutal

Today is bed day, internal utter frustration. My face is tired, the world isn’t silent and forever demanding.

You want to be great, you want to achieve, but you have no motivation, honesty or love to strive. So how do you expect to be great when you know secretly you don’t want to. You want the world to be quiet, whats so noisy in yours? Nothing but your internal inner log that has no meaning, no actual factual reference to your outside world. So why trudge up scenarios, stories, imagination when they play no part in your life and mostly never will. Why do you do it to yourself?

A rush against time continuously, always feeling like you should be doing something. Is that because you endlessly scroll through social media, seeing imagines of all other things, of what others have the ability to do. the thing is you do have the ability to do what everyone else is posting or is liking or planning, or talking about but lets be honest if it wasn’t for social media you wouldn’t even consider any of it. But we know that first had, behind taking all those photos, behind all those likes, posts, etc it doesn’t mean everything is okay.

Will this ever be okay? that is your internal agreement with yourself, because everything on the outside is okay. I’m not saying its perfect, or that we should settle, I’m just saying there is nothing wrong with it. You need to priorities with what is actually important to yourself, not the imagine you want to represent. You need to find goals that you are happy with, that they are things you want to do, not because everyone else is doing them.

I’m not writing this because I’m trying to stop you. I know you want to see the world, know more about the world, but its just random.

everything about you is random.

You just think it, then allow it to feel you, so you end up going back to the one thing that you call safe, yet its a place of pure internal frustration and confliction.

You want people to help you, yet you push them away. for someone who says they are a good listener, you don’t seem to be listening to the advice that is given. For someone who does a lot of thinking, you don’t give much thought.

Whats the point in doing all of this when you don’t want to?

You have to do something

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