When the times right

when the times right youll pull me a little closer. Making me feel wanted and need, nourished and cared.  when the times difficult youlll push me away. Making me feel insecure, self defeated, good for nothing.

When the times right,

My minds at a stand still, no clatter, no bang, just silence in place of the rush or noise. Nothing seems to be going on, is this what comfort is suppose to feel like, or are we at a stand still. Not going anywhere, yet not progressing.

The day started out good, but then it got to the middle and it didn’t go right, not much seems to going right. second guessing, self doubting will destroy what you could be before its even built.

what do you see in yourself, my guess is not a lot. Self defeat wont get you far, it will make you go into yourself, leaving you to be skitterish in any environment.

The hard work that you’ve done, don’t let it go wasted by taking two steps back and feeling deflated. Youll be okay, because everyones got to be okay. But everyday should be a step, even if its a size two step, everyday should be a progress. Don’t make them wasted, make them count but only for you, only for your own benefit and self love. Love yourself for you, don’t go hating and wishing that you were someone else or at a different stage in your life, every step of the journey makes you you, so love and like every moment. The difficulties are the most rewarding. But you don’t feel like you have any difficulties at the moment, maybe its time to change that. Who do you want to be? Don’t say nobody because you’ve got to be someone. Be you, but what version are you going to be?

What do you want to change about yourself? Where do you want the different to be? Where would you like to go? What self progress would you like to make? If you could make yourself happy how would you do it? You want to make a difference, make a difference within yourself. You want new experiences? Open your mind. You want new opportunities? Start saying yes and go along, taking part in those yeses.

What do you want?

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I’m in a funk, there’s no other way to put it.

You lay in bed debating about life, which seems to be a daily occurrence, you think what could you possibly do, so you go out and do it, but its not enough. Nothing ever seems to be enough, not enough to feel your soul, which seems to be deflating with more and more abilities that you do. Not enough to over power the sad emotion that constantly rides on my shoulder. Not enough to get rid of the dark thought that hangs above my head, like a noose, a very tempting noose. My minds uncontrollably dark, I feel like I’m losing the control I once had, and now I seem to be tethering on an edge, and that edge doesn’t seem to have very stable rocks.

What am I doing?

What is life?

What are you suppose to do with life?

I’m fed up, most accurately bored with life. I’m fed up of complaining, I’m fed up of walking around as if I have this heavy weight upon my shoulders, when in fact I don’t, because I’m no different to anyone. I’m tired of being me. This girl who walks around like a sunken ship, a girl that hardly smiles, because she doesn’t appreciate what she has or who she has.  I’m tired of being this girl who feels like shes always on her own, when shes not, she has all these people around her, people willing to listen to what she has to say, people who would like to spend time with her or maybe. But shes always the one pushing them away, appearing rude, no one likes or appreciates a rude person. Why would you? I’m tired of being this girl who feels like everyone is dishonest, therefore I don’t trust anyone enough to truly speak, or be the person that I could be. I’m tired of letting people down, I don’t like being cancelled on but I’m more than okay with doing it to other people. I don’t know how to converse openly with people without feeling anxious. I hate feeling like a little girl, just because I’m insecure or not confident enough.

Not knowing what to do with my life deeply sucks.

I could literally do or be anything yet I always choose not too.

I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t know where I’m going. The uncertainty frustrates me, because I’m not working towards anything. Well work towards something, But like what exactly?

This is the time to have an open mind, yet its continuously closed, closed to my own running thoughts which have no meaning to life. they are selfish thoughts, they are thoughts that aren’t going to help me get anywhere, where ever that maybe.

I’m tired of being a nasty rude person. I’m tired of being me. I don’t want to wake up anymore

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Smile, smile even if you feel like crying on the inside. No one has time to deal with that anymore. Suck it up love, brace the storm even when it’s a mighty wind within your own mind. I know it feels like a terrible joke and I know I can’t even help this glimpse of beauty from her own self. It’s crazy how we can let an emotion rule us, to change the way we look and to change our very own life’s. You’ve let go a lot of things because of it, maybe you shouldn’t be letting go of those possibilities. But what has been done has been done. Stop reaching that breaking point everyday. Don’t compare yourself. Do what you want to do. Do what you want to feel not how you currently feel. You out too much pressure and expectations on yourself. And yes maybe you should some times because how else are you going to get where you want to get, but by god how much I want to fall to my knees and cry so badly, the emotion rocks me to my core. I don’t know what or why I’m doing this anymore because it’s not getting me anywhere and I’m certainly tired and fed up of it all. I’m sorry I lost you and I’m sorry i let you go

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I don’t want to be me anymore

I’m tired of waking up day and feeling like misery or that I don’t want to be here. I’m always feeling sad and disappointed with myself because I don’t want to be me or I don’t like what I’m doing. Yet I continuously scream at myelf internally to change, yet I don’t. I just end up messing people about. I’m tired of always feeling conflicted or emotionally confused.

Like why does life have to be ruled by emotions. Its pathetic and sick and tiring.

I don’t want this anymore, I don’t want any of it.

I cant for the life of me understand why people still try with me. Are you that bored that you feel the need to or do you just feel sorry for me.

I moan about being on my own but thats down to my own choices and my own circumstances. I have the ability to change that, but I always make up excuses. Its not nice letting people down all the time, but that’s what I do. I get tired of making the excuses, yet they don’t seem to, they think thats the norm for me, well it shouldn’t. No one should be like that. So I ask what makes you do the excuses all the time. You scream for change, yet you deny change at any given moment. So therefore you shouldn’t complain with what you have, because you are choosing to stay the same.

You don’t like letting people down, you don’t like seeing other people sad and you don’t like being the reason for other people sadness, so what are you going to do?

what are you going to do about your choices and life? Because you cant continue to belittle the way some people choose to be when you cant really talk about their choices when you aren’t exactly making any for yourself, or when you do make choices, you always feel like its the wrong thing.

So what are you going to do?

Are you going to tell the person you cant go tonight because you don’t feel like it, or are you going to tell them you’ve got other commitments or are you going to say something like; you seem like a nice person, I cant understand why you continue to talk to me when I continuously let you down. You deserve someone who wont keep continuing to cancel on you

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Hey beautiful,

I just want to say that I miss you deeply, I miss being with you, hearing about you and most importantly hearing from you. You always had a smile upon your face, an outside that lit others up and made others feel special. Youre a caring soul, I wish you knew that about yourself. I wish you gave yourself credit and appreciation for who you are. You are special lady and I wish you knew how much you touched other people souls. I wish you knew how many times I think about you, and how many times other people think and wonder about you. You’ve touched so many peoples lives, you just don’t realise. So I want you to know that you are thought about, you are cared about. I know sometimes words aren’t enough and they can sometimes be meaningless when we get tired of hearing the same things and not having any action to the words. Sometimes we need the action to feel the worth. I wish I could give you the action that you seek. All I have for now is words that I hope mean some worth to you.

I’m so thankful for coming into your life, and for you entering mine. Your wise words and thoughts, advice and appreciation touched me many times and have helped me through various issues. You’ve helped me through times I thought impossible, you’ve helped me see things that I would never would have considered. You helped shaped me to be the person that I am today.

I love hearing you speak and talk, I like hearing what you have to say.

Sometimes we loose our way, and I hope that’s not the case for you.

I miss and love your spirit. I wish I could be there for you.

Today might not be a special day, but today I’m thinking about you and id like you to know that I love you.

Its okay to cry every now and then, even when we look like a crazy lady but to be honest its the best look possible.

Don’t forget to look after yourself, you spend too much time looking after others. I don’t know how you do it, putting other first all the time. Maybe its time, even if its only for an hour, to take a step back and recenter yourself. Look after you. Because every beautiful soul needs to reconnect with itself every now and then. Take this moment for yourself

You are loved and will always be loved.

I hope you have a lovely day, as you always should


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How you feeling?

Are you checking up on me, .. again?

It would seem I’m feeling a very sad, an unsettling sad. Why, you may ask? Well I guess this would be my winded answer

How many times do you stare at a screen? How many times do you feel? Combined the two together. Do you feel anything at all when you stare at that screen? The screen that you spend hours on hours scrolling mindlessly, the screen that you click on at least every hour. Seeing and checking, to make sure that you haven’t missed anything, even though nothing happens upon your screen, apart from pretty pictures and sad little icons that make your heart feel like you are missing out on something. When in fact you’d never would have thought of the thing thats currently before your eyes because you only see it now and think of it now, because you can see someone else doing it and you are thinking that you should be doing it because someone else is doing it. Don’t you think this is a silly game? I do.

Arent you tired of feeling like an idiot or a potato head that just sits and waits, because I’m certainly tired of writing about it.

Why cant you be motivated and happy? Why cant you feel the love? Instead of having the thought of ‘I feel unloved’.

You just made a dream, a wish, someone elses wish come true. Yet I feel like an idiot or someone who hasn’t tried.

I cant believe that ive just flew miles upon miles, visiting a different country aka Norway, that i’ve just spent the past four days travelling from one end of Norway to another, yet I feel like a useless idiot. when infact I should feel like I’m on top of the world. Without me realising ive managed to navigate to one place to another. Ive managed to get along with another person. Ive managed to make a written tour, which a friend read about and wanted to do, I made it all come real. Yet I feel deeply sad.

I’m tired of always feeling sad. I probably shouldn’t be writing this, as I did recently get a comment made about writing about too much sad stuff. But I just feel so sad

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Hi Letdown

Hi, that’s what I say.

Is it a hi of interested, or is it a hi of boredom, you never seem to know with me. I’m guilty, I’m a deep hypocrite.

A person who moans constantly about being led on or never knowing where I stand with people, yet in the next breath I’m only to happy to mess them about, just as they mess me about. And that isn’t cool, its actually quite nasty and disrespectful. They do say karma comes in turns, now I understand that when I get a led down, I do kinda deserve it. I’m tired of doing it though. Its not that I do it because I honestly don’t care, its because I get afraid of change or adapting or changing. I guess its because its out of my control. I cant control how things will go, I mean theres another person involved. I don’t know them, I don’t know what they are thinking or what there intentions are.

So sometimes I bail out because to me its just easier to not develop or take a chance. But staying the same doesnt get you anywhere, it leads to boredom, it leads to feeling of self shame or downright defeat. But then this is what I get for saying yes one moment then in the next breath saying no or cancelling out.

People give up on let downs, they give up on people who cancel on them all the time or make silly excuses, or don’t even explain themselves. I mean you would give up on someone eventually if they do it constantly, wouldn’t you? Then you end up complaining that you never see yourself with anyone or that you don’t have any friends to hang out with or just chill. I don’t know whether its down to my inability to trust people at face value or whether its my own insecurities of moving forward, of adapting. Its crazy how a mind can stop you from being or giving a chance on something. Its also kinda sad, but then I deserve it.

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